Most people put more thought into buying a car than the people they date!
How much thought have you put into the type of relationship you are looking for? How much thought have you put into the important characteristics you want in your next relationship? Have you made a list of Must Haves for your next relationship or are you just wing it? I have read a number of articles that were posted recently about whether making a list of Must Haves for your next mate is a reasonable thing to do. Many of the articles ultimately say its okay to have three or four Must Haves on your list such as honesty, loyalty, love and respect. Beyond that, they say, you need to be open to all possibilities. They say that you need to look beyond the superficial which I agree with to some extent. I have also had several conversations recently along the same line. It appears that our present societal state of mind is to suggest that none of us can have everything we want in a relationship. If you are one of the few that think you can have everything you are looking for, you are told or considered to be unrealistic.
I think just the opposite is true. You are better off figuring out what you want and waiting for the one that you desire than to settle for someone that does not fulfill all your realistic desires. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that settling for less than you want is a bad strategy. Just look in your favorite book store. The self-help shelves are lined with books on how to fix a broken marriage or relationship. There are even books on how to trick someone into being attracted to and loving you. There is precious little information to suggest you wait for or seek out the person that truly is an extraordinary match for you.
You must look at your list in a realistic way. If you are looking strictly at superficial aspects of a relationship (height, weight, eye color, hair color, job, income, connectedness or who they know, etc.) then you are bound to fail as you create your list of Must Haves. This list needs to go deeper and be more comprehensive than looks, money, lifestyle, etc. What is important to you? What about health, hygiene, religion or spirituality, being financially responsible, personality, etc.? These are but a few things to spur some thought.
When someone is in a relationship, especially a great relationship, virtually all of them will be able to list all of the great qualities of their mate. Odds are that there was very little, if any, compromise on any of the qualities that were important to each other. So why not be proactive and make a comprehensive list of all the must have characteristics you are searching for in a mate. Few, if any of us walk onto a car lot, briefly scan the lot and say “I’ll take that one!” We walk onto the lot, usually after much research on make, model, features, options, price, etc. And this is something we intend to own for only four to six years! Why wouldn’t you put the same amount of effort into a relationship that you would like to last for the rest of your life?
Spend time thinking about what is important in your next relationship. Also figure out what your deal breakers are. Be proactive in your search for your next mate. Put some effort into your search. At the very least, you will avoid many unnecessary tears and heartaches because you won’t be settling for anything less than extraordinary!
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About the author.
Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate. You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.