And what makes you think you can save him from his demons?
As a dating coach, sometimes I just want to slap someone upside the head!
I know you see some great qualities and great potential in him or her! But, what makes you think that you can change them? Why do you feel the need to try to fix someone or mold them into what you want them to be? Either a relationship works or it doesn’t. Either you are right of reach other or you aren’t! It is as simple as that. You can invest all the time in the world in a relationship but odds are, if it’s wrong, you know it from the very beginning. You hang your hope on the fact that he will change or she will change all because you see potential in them. Potential doesn’t mean didley squat if the other person does not have the desire or chooses not to put the effort in to better their self. Why waste time in the wrong relationship?
If you learn to walk away early, people may ridicule you for not giving someone a chance, but the reality is, time is precious. There is no point in spending time in a toxic relationship only to be hurt. If these are the types of relationships you gravitate to, it’s time to take a look inward. You are the common denominator in all of your failed relationships. When you settle for an unhealthy relationship, you devalue yourself. There is usually a reason that you choose to devalue yourself and to settle for someone less than extraordinary. If this sounds like you, consider seeking counseling to help work through potential unresolved issues you may have.
Why do you want to spend your time trying to save someone from their demons (unless you are a professional counselor or therapist)? Why not save yourself from the tears and heartache that inevitably follows the end of a dysfunctional relationship? I know this sounds harsh, but let’s deal with reality.
You have to fundamentally understand that some people are terminally broken and that no amount of coaching, counseling or therapy will make a difference until they hit rock bottom and decide to seek help to make changes in their life. Sadly, many times they never make that decision.
I was recently struck with the sad reality that many of the people that love and care about these broken souls don’t know how to let go and save themselves. No matter what is said, no matter how direct you are, some people will just not listen and face reality. Some people have this great desire to try to fix someone that is broken thinking that love will conquer all.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot overcome their demons with love alone. You need to guide them to professional help and you also may need to seek professional guidance for the part you play in their lives as a potential enabler. The key is to learn to recognized the red flags of unhealthy relationships and avoid getting involved in the first place.
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About the author.
Over the past 30 years, Rick Soetebier has been a student of self and relationship improvement. He has become and astute observer of people and relationship issues. Over time and through a relationship and marriage that ended after 25 years, Rick started to develop some of the fundamental principles that are found in his book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate. You can benefit through his observations, education, research and personal experience by letting him help you make better relationship decisions.