These are questions I hear frequently, most recently from a very dear friend. These are the types of questions that can be emotional land mines. These, and questions like them, cause us to start questioning our own worth and value to society.
The premise of these questions is that there has to be something wrong with me. After all, I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships. That leads to the assumption that I have to be unlovable and unworthy of a Forever Love. This is just plain wrong!
On the flip side, I’m not saying that it’s always the other persons fault that relationships end. It takes two and you both contribute to the success and failure of any relationship. If you’re honest with yourself, you know that there are parts of your life that can be improved. But, to make the global assumption that there is something inherently unlovable about you is patently false.
My friend’s question has caused me to take a deeper look at these thoughts and to temporarily step back and look at myself to ask what’s wrong with me. Why haven’t I found my forever love yet? Am I not worthy? Am I not deserving?
It’s sometimes hard to see people around you get into relationship, get married and enjoying life as a couple. While I’m happy for them, I often wonder what’s taking so long? That’s what I long for too!
That’s when I have to stop and look at my life. I’ve not been truly available for a relationship for the last couple of years and I’ve not been working that hard at looking. When I’m not seriously looking, I can’t expect to have a relationship just fall into place. Reality…what a concept! LOL
In last weeks blog I discussed some of my thoughts about a short-term relationship of mine that ended last summer. If you didn’t see it, <<Click Here>> to read it now. Those thoughts were about the overall relationship. I didn’t blame myself for that relationship ending and I didn’t blame her. I was able to look at it from both sides and recognize that I didn’t have some of the qualities she was looking for in a mate. I didn’t take it that as there was something wrong with me.
This is important to understand. Just because you don’t have all the Must Haves that someone else is looking for doesn’t mean you are somehow unworthy or unlovable. All it means is that you’re not a great match.
Dealing with emotionally unhealthy people
Another aspect of this is that there are plenty of emotionally unhealthy people to be found out there. I’m fairly confident when I say that we’ve all been in a relationship with one at one time or another. For some, it’s a regular occurrence. When you start to recognize this pattern, you have to take a look at your choices in the people you date. If your picker is broken then it’s time to get it fixed and stop making poor choices.
It’s important to be aware of and recognize warning signs of bad relationships. Narcissism, co-dependency, and gas-lighting are just a couple of the common problem personalities you can run into. They seem like normal, genuine, good hearted people at first. Then they start to make changes. Very subtle at first and before you know it, you’re wrapped up in a toxic relationship and find it nearly impossible to leave.
Again…this doesn’t mean that you are unworthy or unlovable! It simply means that you have to pay more attention to red flags when they start fluttering in front of your face! That is often easier said than done because most people don’t know what to look for. If you need some help in this area, please request a copy of The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them. This will give you a thumbnail sketch of some of these problems and possible solutions to avoid them.
Dealing with infatuation and raging hormones
We all get wrapped up in infatuation and raging hormones of new relationships. More often than not, we will see signs of problems ahead, but we ignore them because we’re enjoying the company of someone we’re attracted to. That attraction can be physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, or a combination of all four.
Whenever you find certain characteristics that you really desire in a mate, you tend to focus on those, ignoring the qualities you don’t like. If you do see Deal Breakers, you may even think that you have the power to change some of the bad parts and mold them into the person you want them to be. BAD IDEA!
This is where so many people…mostly women, but not exclusively, get into trouble. They invest tons of time in a relationship that will never live up to their wants, needs, and desires. The more time you spend with someone, even the wrong one, the more emotionally attached you become. This makes it harder and harder to walk away even though you know it’s the right thing to do.
You have to remember, even if it’s a one-sided love, if either one of you is unhappy or unfulfilled by the relationship, it’s not the right one. It really hurts when it’s the other person that feels unfulfilled.
And that brings us back to the beginning where you may start to ask the wrong questions. Rather than asking “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone stay?” start asking “What was my part in the relationship? Are there things I could have done differently to make it work?”
Then “What was his/her part in the relationship? Are there things he/she could have done differently to make it work? Is it realistic to expect them to make those changes?” The answer to this last question is more than likely “No, it’s not realistic to think they will change.”
It’s very easy to create a fantasy relationship in your head. You see some great qualities and a lot of potential. BUT, if they don’t have the desire to be the person you want them to be, it’ll never happen.
You can’t build your relationship based on the fantasy you have in your head. Either the relationship is real and exists in the here and now or it doesn’t. You can’t force someone to be who you want them to be!
You are worthy and lovable! Always be striving to be a better person. Now, let’s focus on fixing that broken picker and not wallowing in “What’s wrong with me?”
I hope today’s topic is helpful. If you have questions or comments, please send them to Rick@RickSoetebier.com.
Have a great and blessed week.