#239 – Nothing says I don’t trust you like an interrogation date!
One of the hardest dates to go on is the interrogation date. This is, without a doubt, the date from hell. You get asked question after question without much of a chance to ask questions yourself.
Your date might even ask you the same question several times in several different ways in an effort to see if your story is consistent.
You may wonder if your date really doesn’t get it or if they are trying to trip you up. If your story isn’t consistent you’re at least under suspicion if not kicked to the curb.
What you have to determine is if your date has real trust issues, if you’ve done something to break their trust, or maybe even if you have a poor reputation that precedes you.
Is the questioning justified?
It might be. And then again, it might not be.
While the interrogators my have nothing but the best of intentions, their line of questioning can dredge up old wounds and emotions that have been put to rest a long time ago.
No matter how open and transparent you are, and want to be, there are just some things that you’d rather not relive.
And, if you’re like me, details of past events start to fade. It takes time to dig that crap up again.
Yet, if you decline to answer any of the interrogator’s questions, you are immediately suspected of withholding information or having something to hide.
It’s a kind of lose-lose situation.
Do you need a detailed history of someone’s past?
How much detail do you really need to know? Is it enough to know that she’s been married twice? Is it important to know why every relationship he’s had ended and how long they were together?
In some cases, yes, it is important to dig deep especially if there are patterns of bad choices or bad behavior. These could be signs of potential problems for you in the future.
What does and interrogation sound like?
The interrogator will ask questions something like this.
How long were you married? Why did your marriage end? What did you do to try to make it work? What kind of relationship do you have with your ex? Have you made amends with your ex?
How long have you been divorced? Have you and any long-term relationships? How long did they last? Why did they end? Why didn’t you fight for that relationship?
And on, and on, and on. If they come to the date with a written list of question, you know you’re going to be on an interrogation date. At this point you know you’re not going to have a good time so you have a couple of options.
You can ask your date to put the list of questions away. You can ask to change the subject for a while and be prepared to talk about something lighter and more casual, or you can insist on being able to ask your date the same questions.
If your date is unwilling to answer your questions, red flags should start flying. They are more than likely hiding behind their questions for any number of reasons.
They might be embarrassed about past relationship decisions, been hurt badly by past relationships, poor judges of character and mistrust almost everyone just to name a few.
Interrogators, learn a new technique.
Some people are just very direct when they ask questions. Others just tippy toe around in hopes that they will get an answer.
There is a good middle ground to be found here. You can be direct and ask good questions. Then…let them answer. You just don’t have to re-ask the same question over and over and over.
Learn to ask open ended questions. These are questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Then learn to listen carefully. There are always additional bits of information that are revealed in casual conversations.
Don’t hide behind your questions! Let your date ask questions, too. The first couple of dates should be about getting to know each other to determine if you have a connection and if each of you is interested in future dates.
If your date comes off as an interrogation, I can almost guarantee you won’t have a second date!
To learn more about what to look for in a great relationship please check out my blog #220 – The 8 Key Elements of an Extraordinary Relationship.
You can also request a copy of The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them. It’s free just by asking!
If you really want a deeper look at great dating skills, order a copy of my book Dating Backward. It’s available on my website or on Amazon.com.
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