Welcome back to the final segment of The Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships. Today we’re going to talk about The Physical Cornerstone.
There are two components or parts to the Physical Cornerstone. Most of us immediately think of physical intimacy: touching, kissing, fondling and making love. While this is a major part of an extraordinary relationship, there’s more.
In a healthy relationship, the first part of the connection is physical attraction. This is a key component to any physical connection. This is the part that can encompass the visual aspect of beauty.
If there is a physical attraction, it is usually almost instantaneous…but not always. You’re either attracted to someone or you’re not.
There are cases though, that there wasn’t any significant physical attraction in the beginning. Yet, they found that through developing the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connection they started to see the other person in a different way.
Their inner beauty started to shine through. You start to see them in a way you never did before and you may be surprised to find that your soul mate didn’t come in the package you were expecting.
In general though, if you’re not attracted to someone, there is little likelihood that any serious relationship will develop. In most cases, it’s the initial physical impression that lasts.
It’s a visual thing.
I had a conversation with a young woman during the writing of my book, Dating Backward. She was an unwed mother of two and struggling with a relationship with the father of her children. She said he was a really good man, a great father, and she really loved him as a person.
He loved her as well and was doing everything he could to be with her. However, she was not physically attracted to him.
Had there not been children involved, the decision would have been easy. Ultimately, she walked away from that relationship.
It’s also a physical thing.
The physical connection also includes nonsexual touch such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing. It’s thought that touch stimulates the release of the hormone oxytocin and strengthens the emotional connection with your soul mate.
Energy is shared; connections are established and maintained through non intimate touch.
Getting intimate too soon causes problems.
As every romantic relationship starts to grow, the physical connection also starts to grow. If sex is introduced into the relationship too soon, it will start to retard the growth and depth of the intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connections.
For men, sex stunts the brain and all but stops the learning curve when it comes to getting to know his woman. The introduction of sex can also take away from the budding relationship because there is a hollow empty feeling after the fact.
Very early on, most men will need space after sex when there is no emotional connection or committed relationship.
It’s different for a woman.
Ladies, generally, you start to develop a low-level emotional connection through a sexual relationship. You start to think about when you’re going to hear from him again, when you’ll have your next date, and start making plans in your head for the next time you’re together.
You’re generally hurt when he has pulled away and goes into his emotional man cave. You’re left wondering why he hasn’t called or texted you the next day, what you’ve done wrong, or if you’re just a one-night-stand.
In reality, he’s processing your sexual encounter. This is natural and biological. It may be a week before he reaches out to you again unless it was, in fact, a one-night stand. In which case, you probably won’t hear from him again.
Studies consistently show…
The longer you wait to have sex, the stronger your relationship will be. Why? Because the focus of your relationship is on getting to know each other and developing deeper intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connections.
When God said, “Go forth and multiply.” I don’t think He meant to just hop into bed with anyone whenever the feeling strikes you. Sadly, most couples end up in bed on or before the 8th date. This barely gives you any time to get to know each other much less develop any kind of connection beyond infatuation.
In addition, to compound the problem even further, the new relationship becomes more about sex than learning about the person you’re sleeping with beyond a very superficial level
Then, as the infatuation starts to wear off you start to recognize that there’s not much foundation to your relationship. Regret starts to sink in when you find yourself waking up next to someone you barely even know. You think to yourself. “I should have waited.” He (or she) isn’t the person I thought they were. It pays to wait!
Over the past four weeks I’ve presented the importance of each of the Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships. Hopefully you’ve seen the importance of each one to the foundation of a healthy long-lasting relationship.
Give your new relationship a chance to grow. Develop an intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connection first, before jumping into bed. This way, you’ll have far fewer regrets when you wake up in the morning.
Each cornerstone is an integral part of the relationship and none is more or less important than any other. Without any one of them, though, your relationship is less stable and makes it more difficult to sustain long-term.
If you’d like some additional resources, check out a great book by Dr. Juli Slattery called Rethinking Sexuality. It is a great Christian based book that I found very informative, well presented, enlightening, and refreshing.
I hope today’s topic is helpful. Join me next week for It Takes A Little Courage where we talk about building up the courage to ask her (or him) out and building up the courage to have difficult conversations.
If you need help recognizing what a healthy relationship should look like, check out my blog #220 – The 8 Key Element of an Extraordinary Relationship.
Next, please go to my Facebook page, Rick Soetebier – Relationship Coach. When you click the Like button, also make sure you click the See First button so that you see my daily tips, insights, and inspirations in your news feed.
Then join me on Facebook weekly for Monday Mastery, Live at 5:00 where I talk about whatever’s happened over the weekend and how it applies to dating and relationships.
Thanks for for joining me today! Have a great and blessed day!