Recently a woman reached out to me for advice and had this to say. “I have had several nice men to date but I’m not sure if any are right for me. I truly need help!”
She went on to describe a couple of the guys she was dating and ended her situation with this statement. “(I) wish I had a check list to see if I am compatible with either.”
Here was my response to her.
“It sounds like this is a case of you settling for anyone that pays attention to you. You’re looking at them as the prize to be sought after, when in fact, YOU should be looking at yourself as the prize to be won!
You’re half right with the “check list” idea except it should be your list to see if either one is right for you. In my book, Dating Backward, I talk about creating your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. Your Must Have list is the list of characteristics that are non-negotiable for you in your next relationship. They are to be stated in the positive. For example, if you don’t want a smoker, rather than saying “no smokers”, you might say something like “Must be smoke free.” You always want to state things in the positive because what you focus on, whether positive or negative, is what you’ll attract.
Make sure that the two men you’re talking to meet EVERYTHING on YOUR list. If not…move on. You should be looking for your soul mate and not looking to settle for the best of the worst that you stumble across. Just because you haven’t found extraordinary yet doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Also, make sure you’re dating for the right reasons. Dating because you’re lonely or needy are the wrong reasons. That’s dating from a position of weakness. Dating from a position of power means that you’re comfortable with or without someone in your life. It doesn’t mean that you don’t get lonely. It just means that you’re happy and comfortable with your own company.”
This woman is now looking at her situation from a completely different perspective. Hopefully she’ll recognize her value in any relationship and not settle.
Dating from a position of weakness leaves you vulnerable.
If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I talk about allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility of a broken heart. You have to be emotionally open to a new relationship.
This vulnerability is much different from being vulnerable to predatory or abusive relationships.
Whenever you date because you’re lonely and can’t stand to be alone, you set yourself up to settle for much less than your extraordinary mate.
Even if you’re not looking for your next long-term relationship or marriage, you still need to date from a position of power. You need the strength to be able to say Yes and more importantly to be able to say No.
How many of you are dating from a position of power?
As you can see from my response, dating from a position of power has nothing at all to do with having control over someone. What it does mean is that you are in control of your dating and relationship life.
You’re not allowing anyone else to be in the position to manage or control your emotions. You’re aware of your situation and are able to easily avoid being caught up in an abusive relationship whether that means physically, verbally, emotionally, or financially.
It doesn’t mean you’ll make great decisions every time. What it does mean is that you’ll quickly recognize problems, address them, and move on.
It means that you’re dating for healthy reasons and not out of a need for constant companionship or to avoid loneliness.
I hope you’ll use this information to help you step out of your comfort zone and to be more proactive in your dating life.
Join me next week for “What’s your favorite excuse for being single?”