#271 – What’s your favorite excuse for being single?
Sounds kind of silly, right? But it’s not…really. You see, we all tell ourselves stories. These are stories we create in our head, some are true, but mostly they’re just excuses because we don’t want to make the effort necessary to be successful.
And it’s not just dating and relationships that I’m talking about. It’s family…work…life! We tell ourselves stories like, I’m so busy, I don’t have time. How many situations can you apply that statement to?
For that past couple of years I’ve been telling myself the story that I’m too hard to date. I spend 5 months in one part of the country and 7 months in another part. How can you possibly date someone like that?
This past spring I just decided that I was tired of being single. So…I started putting in a much greater effort. I’ve had quite a few dates. I’ve met a couple of really great women. And, I’ve found that I AM dateable.
So, now that I’ve ‘fessed up, what are your excuses? Are you telling yourself that you’re too old? (I’ve heard that one quite a bit lately.) How about “There are no good men or women left.”
It’s so easy to create an excuse and believe it to your core…until you talk to and work with me. I challenge all of your core beliefs. My experience has shown me that we are our own worst enemies!
Even the greatest among us wasn’t good at something at one time.
Was Michael Jordan a natural born basketball player? No! When Michael started high school he was terrible at basketball. His coach told him that if he ever wanted to play on the team he had to work at improving his skills.
He was passionate about the game. He worked and worked and worked at it until he became the superstar he is today.
What does this have to do with dating? Everything. If you have a strong enough desire to find the relationship of your dreams, you have to work at it. You have to clear your head of the stories, the lies that you keep telling yourself.
I’m too shy. Talking to women intimidates me.
I’ve heard this excuse from so many people and even used it myself in certain situations. This is the easy way out. If you really look deep, you talk to women (or men) almost every day. You talk to the cashier at the grocery store or the convenience store.
You talk to the man in the shoe store. You talk to people at work every day! For the most part, you don’t seem to be too shy to talk to them. In fact, you probably have some good conversations in the break room.
So what’s the difference? First, you’ve taken some time to get to know them…at least a little. Second, the conversations are generally casual and not overly personal. Third, there’s little chance of rejection.
Let’s look at rejection for a minute.
We assume that when someone turns down our request for a date, we’re being rejected as a person. Rejection becomes this big hairy ugly beast that captures us and holds us captive on the Island of Shame.
The reality is that you’re not being rejected as a person. You’re just being turned down for a date. The other person doesn’t see or feel a connection strong enough to say yes.
You might need to spend a little more time getting to know them and try again. On the other hand, as you get to know them better, you might discover that they aren’t who you thought they would be and find out they’re really not a good fit for you.
I’ve had secret crushes on several women over the years only to discover that as I got to know them better we just didn’t have as much in common as I fantasized that we would.
As they say, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Don’t be discouraged with “No” for an answer. “No” gives you the opportunity to keep looking for the right one.
There is not magic formula!
Dating takes effort. A relationship takes effort. Marriage takes effort. If you do it right though, the hardest work is done up front in your dating life. When you commit to finding your “needle in the haystack” relationship, your soul mate, you won’t settle for less than extraordinary.
It’s when you quit looking or settle for less than your soul mate, the work needed to maintain your relationship or marriage becomes much harder.
I’ll admit, dating is the hardest part of finding a great relationship. It’s the hardest and most frustrating part for me too. But, it’s the most rewarding part. I know that all the effort put in on the front end, the looking, the dating, and being committed to your wants, needs and desires will pay off big time in the long run.
If you get frustrated, take a break from dating for a bit. Then refocus. Remember why you’re searching for that special someone; the incredible connection you desire, the unrivaled feelings and the special moments you look forward to sharing with each other.
This is what dating or more accurately, courting should be about.
I hope you’ll use this information to help you step out of your comfort zone and to be more proactive in your dating life.
Join me next week for “You’re designed for connection.”
I find my closet is full of skeletons that I’d like to burn and that trust has been a factor….Think about this, how many people would you let hold your Baby, tenderly, to their chest? Now, do I really want to hand my tender heart to just anyone, it’s like my precious newborn and to have just anyone hold it takes lots of TRUST, because ultimately when we start dating we are slowly working into connecting on a personal level. If I hand you my baby, I trust that you’ll hold him or her tenderly like he or she were your own. You’d walk gracefully, you’d play peacefully and carefully! That’s the same way I feel about dating…..
Maybe this seems odd to you, me comparing dating to you caring for my child. Honestly, I think it’s a perfect example, of why for me it’s a calculated, careful selection of the right person for me, and my Heart…~julia
Julia, I think your analogy is brilliant. I think we all have skeletons in our closet. At least I know I do…and some I’m not very proud of. Be wise about the people you let in and get close to. Just remember that any walls you build to protect your heart will be the same walls that keep out the love you seek. Don’t let your “baby” grow up isolated and alone by being overly protective. We all have to stumble, fall, and then get back up again.
Thank you for your great insight! 🙂