#283 – Start and end a conversation with grace and dignity.
There seems to be a fundamental disconnect in common courtesy in conversations today. Conversations end as abruptly as they began, and the other person just disappears with no explanation.
Have you ever met someone, whether in person or online, and struck up a conversation only to have them disappear the next day or the next week?
The other day I was in the grocery store after being out of town for a week. The store was crazy busy because it was the Friday before a big Kansas City Chiefs football game AND we were expecting a snowstorm the next day.
The store is in my neighborhood but one that I don’t shop at frequently. Because of all the craziness going on and being unfamiliar with the store, I struck up a lighthearted conversation with a woman shopping in the same aisle.
We started to laugh and joke about all the craziness and moved on. We ran into each other in the next aisle and the next. We stood in the checkout line together and exchanged phone numbers.
She was the first to text that night and we agreed to go out for cocktails one evening. That’s the last I’ve heard from her. I reached out a couple of times with absolutely no response. Why? I have no idea!
If this were a single event, I wouldn’t think much of it. But, it’s happened several times in the past year. I know I’m not the only one this is happening to because a number of you have come to me asking for advice about this very thing.
What is it with people that start a conversation with you and then disappear?
For a while I was thinking it was just me, but it seems to be happening to most people that I talk to especially when it comes to online dating.
It’s not limited to just online dating though. I’ve had this happen after meeting someone in person. You have a nice conversation, agree to exchange phone numbers and then nothing.
You send a text to say thanks for a great conversation, would you like to get together for coffee or cocktails and there’s no response!
This isn’t just an issue with women. Men do the same thing. What’s happened to the common courtesy? Where have manners gone?
Ghosting is a relatively new phenomenon. With the introduction of smart phones, it’s become common practice to just delete and block someone from your phone. It’s become way too easy to just walk away because there’s always someone new just around the corner.
Have a little heart.
If you’re one of the culprits that pulls this kind of stuff, think about how much you enjoy it when it’s done to you. Not a pleasurable experience right? Although, if you’re someone that does this kind of thing regularly, you’re probably not much of a people person.
Dating is tough enough as it is. You shouldn’t have to have the hide of a telemarketer to survive it.
Starting a conversation.
First and foremost, if you’re going to start a conversation be prepared to continue it, at least for a little while. It doesn’t make any difference whether it’s in person or online. I’m not suggesting that the conversation continues on endlessly. Just long enough to find out whether this is someone you’d like to get to know better.
If you start a conversation online, you’re not always going to get a response. It doesn’t make any difference why, that’s just the way it is.
When you start a conversation in person, keep it light to begin with. Don’t get too personal too quickly. You haven’t earned the right to talk about personal things other than maybe to find out if they’re single or if they’re in a relationship.
Anything more than casual and light is being intrusive and is generally a huge turnoff. Just watch their facial expression and body language when you get too personal. They’ll break off the conversation quickly and move on.
It’s okay to end a conversation.
Whether you’ve started a conversation or someone started one with you, it’s okay to say you’re not interested anymore. You don’t have to be hurtful or hateful. If the conversation isn’t one you’re interested in, end it politely.
Be honest. Speak from your heart and share why you can’t or don’t want to keep the conversation going. If they’re offensive or insensitive, you can share that simply by saying that you didn’t appreciate their comments and that it’s best if you each move on.
If you’re not feeling a connection, you can share that too. You can say something like; “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you. We’re just not a good fit or a good match.”
Not everyone you talk to is going to be date worthy or date ready. But, you don’t know until you start a conversation with them. Some conversations will be great, most won’t.
Always remember, you can’t control what others do, think, or say. You can only control your thoughts and actions. Be the bigger person and share the reasons you’re ending the conversation. Don’t leave anyone hanging, wondering where you went, what they did wrong, or why you stopped talking to them.
I sincerely hope you’ll think about what I’ve shared with you today and use this information to help you be more proactive and successful in your dating life.
Join me next week for “Affairs of the heart can get messy.”
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Rick this seems to be prevalent in the dating world which I have experienced first hand. I am glad that you have shared this topic and given some of us hope that not all people will do this to someone else. This is a real issue and I hope that others can realize the harm they cause when they just disappear with no explanation. Thanks again for opening this conversation and allowing myself and others the opportunity to express our thoughts and feelings and be able to move on and grow from these experiences so we can all become better human beings.
Kindest Regards,
-Jeff
Considering the social media and the ability to research names online with even a small amount of information one can find out a lot about someone else. You might find out some facts that you know will not make a person right for your life at the time. Does this release the person from “grace and dignity” and common courtesy? I always consider the persons age. Why age? Different generations are learning different rules of engagement with people. I am in my seventies and yes I know what was taught back then. When you live a long time you get to see the generational changes in behavior and attitudes when it comes to social interactions. No, I don’t like many of the new “ways” but I have come to accept them as being their “norm” of how you respond.
Another view that I have when people don’t conduct themselves as I wish they would is to consider just how well do I know the person. In a newly founded relationship there is going to be a tremendous amount of unknowns.
In the wacky world of today fear of those “unknowns” can give people second thoughts about pursuing a relationship.
I see it as a duality. On one hand we have being an individual with our own likes and dislikes as well as how we view and handle different things. Yet, we often want others to conform to our ways of what we think is proper or a social norm.
When they as an individual react differently we question as to why. Of course we do not judge the other person as we accept them for whom they are but at the same time we remain uncomfortable with their response.
My final thought is that what I would like to happen between myself and another person and it does not come to pass can trigger a different thought process or emotional response than if it did not really matter as to where the relationship ended.
Hi Jeff,
Thank you for your kind words. It is an issue and sadly I think it’s here to stay. It may be hard to accept, but something we all need to get used to. Have a great and blessed day.
Rick
Great observations James!