Recently I was having a conversation with someone about the importance of making and having a Must Have list. She was adamant that I was wrong and that I was placing a higher priority on my list than on meeting people
Today, let’s talk about the importance and difference of focused dating vs. serendipity.
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Focus vs. Serendipity
Every once in a while I’ll have someone challenge the power of creating and using a Must Have list to help you stay focused on what you really want in a relationship.
Some people get it, and some don’t. It all really depends on where your head is at. Are you looking for a long-term relationship, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, or are you just looking for casual relationships?
Your answer will most certainly depend on what stage of life you’re in. Are you newly divorce or widowed and just getting back into the world of dating? Or, have you been single for a while and really want to find someone to spend the rest of your years with?
If you’re newly divorced or widowed, casual dating and casual relationship are probably your best choice. You can find someone to share interests with, find new friends, and discover traits in others that are really appealing or a huge red flag.
If you’re seriously looking for your last first kiss, then it’s time to get focused and know exactly what you’re looking for.
The way I approach dating and coaching people is to use a focused approach. I learned a long time ago that if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit nothing.
Rather than spend your time aimlessly searching for someone to occupy the seat next to you, I believe in focusing on exactly what you want in your next relationship.
But, this is only important if you’re truly looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. If it doesn’t matter, then focusing on what you want isn’t important.
If you don’t believe in soul mates or extraordinary relationships then serendipity is for you.
With a serendipitous relationship you go with the flow and see what happens. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. You’re open to meeting new people and learning what makes them tick.
It’s creating the friendship that’s most important rather than looking for a suitable mate. If a great relationship just happens to materialize, great! If not, that’s okay too.
When you’re ready to get serious about finding your soul mate, make your Must Have list.
Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with should be taken very seriously. Part of the reason the divorce rate is so high today is that we don’t approach dating and courting honestly.
Because we’re in an immediate gratification society, we want a relationship now. We don’t want to work for it, we don’t want to spend any time at it, we just want it to magically happen.
Sadly, this is what nearly 90 percent of couples do. They settle!
Settling is never a good option to satisfy a desire to have someone special in your life. It may feel good in the short term, but in the end you’ll be unhappy.
The pain of ending a long-term relationship is always greater than walking away as soon as you recognize it’s not a good fit.
Many of you have heard me say that most people put more time and effort into planning a vacation than they do searching for the person they’d like to spend the rest of their lives with.
If you’re looking for your last first kiss, a relationship blessed by God, take dating seriously. Don’t waste your time and emotional energy jumping from relationship to relationship in hopes that you’ll find someone special.
It takes a focused effort to find your special someone and will be well worth it in the end.
I hope I’ve given you some food for thought to help you make healthier relationship decisions.
Please feel free share your thoughts, your successes, and your missteps to help others get better one step at a time. Leave a comment below or drop me an email at email@example.com.
For more information on creating your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists, check out my book Dating Backward.