I’m always amazed when I talk to people about dating and relationships (especially when they don’t know what I do for a living. LOL) Even when they do learn what I do, there’s usually a “Yeah, but…”
When I get a “yeah, but” I pretty much know the conversation is over for me. A “yeah, but” signals that you’re not listening to me or anyone else for that matter.
This past weekend I met a woman online that was widowed. When I asked how long she was widowed she said 15 months and already red flags started flying.
I shared my concern that she was barely out of the fog of the first year. She said she had done her grieving and that she came out of the fog after 10 months.
Again, I tried to point out that there was still healing and growing to be done especially because she lost her soul mate and best friend. She replied that God gave her strength and she was past all that.
My words of caution were falling on deaf ears. She promptly cut me off and deleted me from our conversations. I’m okay with that except I would have loved to give her my email address so she could follow up with me in a couple of years.
Those of you that are widowed know exactly what I’m talking about. The sad part is you don’t know what you don’t know and it sometimes takes time learning the hard way to figure things out.
My experience is that it takes on average about five years after the loss of a spouse to really come into your own. Some will move a little quicker, and some will take longer, but that’s a pretty good average.
Recovering from a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship moves a little faster. You can usually figure it takes about one month for every year you were married.
For me, it took a couple years longer. Maybe that’s because I was doing a lot of self-evaluation and soul searching…which you all should be continually doing too.
The idea is to do it right next time. No more settling. No more accepting less than extraordinary. No more ignoring the warning signs of mediocre relationships.
You can’t force the grief and healing process before it’s time.
I believe the woman I mentioned above is in for a rude awakening. I suspect she is living in denial. Hopefully she’ll recognize this before she gets emotionally hurt.
My guess is that in about two years she’s going to come to some emotional roadblocks and have to take a big step backward especially if she jumps into a new relationship quickly.
You just can’t rush the grieving and healing process. You’ll only end up hurting yourself in the long run by delaying the process.
“Yeah but my situation is different!”
No, it’s not! The only uniqueness to your situation is that the names have been change to protect the innocent and that this may be the first time it’s happened to you.
Whatever you have been through or are going though, someone has been there before you. Whenever you’re feeling this way, it’s time to find someone else that has been through what you’re going though.
If you’re getting a divorce, talk to someone that has been divorced and ask about the emotional roller coaster they were on.
If you’re recently widowed, talk to someone that has been widowed for a while. They will have plenty of wisdom for you and can share what to expect over the coming months.
It may be hard to believe, but there is a lot of wisdom that people are willing to share with you if you just ask.
Drop me a note if you have questions. I’m always here to coach you through some of the tough times. If you’re dealing with issues or problems that I’m not qualified to handle, I’ll get you pointed in the right direction to find the right help.
Here are some resources for you.
Drop me a note at Rick@RickSoetebier.com if you have questions. I’m always here to coach you through some of the tough situations. If you’re dealing with issues or problems that are beyond my scope of service, I’ll get you pointed in the right direction to find the right help.
My book, Dating Backward, is a great resource to start with. In it you’ll learn (or relearn) the basics of dating and the fundamentals of all great relationships. You can order it directly from my website, RickSoetebier.com or from Amazon.com.
I hope I’ve given you some ideas to make healthier dating and relationship decisions today. Have a great and blessed day.