#127 - And what about the children?
After a divorce children take sides. Right or wrong, they feel that one parent is to blame. I know I did it when my parents divorced. I saw it in my adult daughter during and after my divorce and she was a young adult!
It’s an incredibly hard time for everyone. Often we are caught up in our own emotions and unwittingly forget the emotions that our children are dealing with. Because of our broken marriage, we are changing their world forever. We have disrupted their family and family life. Unfortunately. children only see or hear part of the story and they have to try to figure out the rest. Usually their assumptions are wrong and it may take years to understand the emotions that you and your ex are/were dealing with.
Never drag your children into the middle of adult problems or issues. They are hurting enough as it is and often think the marital problems are their fault. Make sure you reassure them that they are not the reason you and your ex had problems. Beyond that, there are just some things about how and why your marriage ended that they just don’t need to know.
Don’t feed your kids negative information about your ex. Always take the high road. If you have nothing nice to say…don’t say it! Your children will ultimately turn on you when they are old enough to figure things out the truth on their own.
After your divorce, there will come a time when you want to start dating again. This can be another source of emotional stress.
DO NOT start dating too quickly after a divorce. You must be emotionally healed from your divorce first. If you start dating too quickly, children can become resentful of your time away from them. Many times they feel they have just lost one parent. They don’t want to feel like they are losing you also.
DO NOT introduce your children to anyone you haven’t dated for at least six months. This gives you time to see if your potential mate is worthy of a long-term relationship. Then there is the safety issue. Early on in a relationship you don’t know if you may be dating a sexual predator, a scammer or someone that is emotionally healthy. Even if your date is a great person, children develop emotional bonds quickly. Bringing your dates home too soon could create an emotional attachment that may soon be broken. It is also not healthy for your children to see a revolving door of dates coming in and out of their lives. It will give them an unhealthy perspective of what relationships should look like.
Depending on your circumstances, sometimes waiting to date until the children are grown and out of the house may be the best option. This can be difficult for some, easier for others. It is never a bad thing to focus your free time and attention on your children and participate in their lives in a healthy way. This doesn’t mean becoming their best friend. It just means you will be there for them and their activities.
Divorce is difficult on everyone. Don’t compound the problems by ignoring your children’s emotional needs.
If you or someone you know has questions about dating or relationships, please send them to me at [email protected].