#138 - Why do I keep going back to a mediocre relationship?
I want to move on, but I can’t seem to get past my feelings for her/him. How do I make the pain of a past relationship go away? These are great questions. Most people think it is a function of time that will heal our emotional wounds. I believe it less a matter of time and more a matter of mindset.There are two major steps in moving on from a relationship and moving forward with your life.
When it’s over, it’s over!
Make it a clean break. Unless there is some legal reason or there are children involved, end the relationship completely (even if you’re not the one initiating the break-up). One of the best ways to do this is to delete all of the following;
- E-mails – this removes temptation to re-read past e-mails and potentially make contact again during a weak moment.
- Texts – just like e-mails, we are tempted to go back and re-read messages. This makes us vulnerable to trying to reconnect even if it’s just to say “Hi, I hope you’re doing well.”
- Photos – happy memories will keep us anchored to the past and slow down (if not prevent) the healing process of moving on.
- Phone numbers and e-mail addresses – this helps prevent you from slipping and sending an e-mail, text or make a phone call when you hare having a weak moment.
- Consider throwing out or giving away gifts from an ex that can trigger memories of a different time in your life.
This process is all about cleaning out things that can keep us thinking about the past regardless of how good or bad it was.
Change your anchors!
After we break up with someone, get a divorce or have a spouse pass away we have a flood of emotions…hurt, loss, anger, depression, rejection and self-pity to name just a few. We might also feel guilt, shame and regret for some of the things we did or didn’t do in the relationship. What I am discovering through my study of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is that we have more control over what we think and how we feel than you realize.
What I have learned is that we “anchor” certain memories and emotions. We all do this. A great example is when you hear a certain song on the radio and you are filled with memories and emotions. Many times you will remember the first time you heard the song, what you were doing, where you were and whom you were with. This is and anchor! Anchors can retrieve very strong emotions and memories.
The same holds true for past relationships. Hearing a certain song, driving down a certain road or highway, walking down a certain street or even something as mundane as ironing a certain shirt or pair of jeans can trigger strong memories and emotions.
As I have looked back on several past relationships, I recognized a pattern, It wasn’t until I changed some of the smaller elements of a memory that I was able to move on. If you are a visual person, you could consider darkening the picture you see in your mind or to move the picture farther away. If you are an auditory person, change the sound you hear to something that is less than pleasant. If you are a kinesthetic or feeling person, change your muscular response, the texture or maybe your posture in response to your thoughts. (Please not that this is a very simplistic explanation and requires a larger understanding of the process to be effective.) Most of the time I did this over a long period of time. However, recently, I have been able to do this over a period of a few days to a couple of weeks.
The great part of this is that just by making a couple of subtle changes to how you see, hear or feel about a past relationship, you can put the negative emotions behind you quickly and move on in search of your extraordinary relationship.
Why is this important?
Clearing out past relationships from your life helps you become emotionally free from the past and emotionally available for the right person to enter your life. As long as you are tied to one or more past relationships, you cannot successfully move forward into a new healthy relationship.
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