#140 - Six characteristics of Healthy Relationships
I had the pleasure of sitting in on a group discussion about relationships and boundaries. It was a great conversation and quite eye opening for me. One of the things I observed was that most people are afraid of being hurt…again. They conceptually know that they have to be open and vulnerable to be able to move into a new relationship, but most were not at a place where they felt comfortable to do so. Part of their inability to move forward stems from their inability to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship in a timely manner. They thought they would have to spend months, if not years, getting to know someone before they would know if they were in a healthy relationship or not.
There are a number of things we need to work out as we negotiate our way through the maze of dating obstacles. One of the major hurdles is that about 85% of us grew up in a dysfunctional home. It may not have been severely dysfunctional, but there was some dysfunction none the less. That means that most of us don’t know what a normal healthy relationship should look like. In most cases, our sense of normal is what we grew up with so that is our benchmark and that is what we look for and accept in our adult relationships. Sadly, we usually find out way too late that we have made a mistake. Worse yet is that most people don’t recognize the flaw in their decision making process and continue to make poor relationship decisions.
Here are six key characteristics to help you identify a healthy relationship.
1. Deal with reality constructively.
There should be healthy open communication that allows for differences of opinion. You both should be able to tolerate constructive criticism. You will rejoice in the other’s success, not envy it.
2. Have an ability to adapt to change.
Life brings daily challenges and opportunities to change and grow. Healthy relationships are dynamic, not static. This means the the relationship will evolve over time. All growth and change involves taking some risk and accepting some discomfort.
3. Be able to make long-range decisions.
Long range decisions are the ones in which we need to postpone immediate gratification for the greater benefit of future results. The ability to delay present desires to achieve a long-term goal is one sign of emotional maturity. An example is investing your tax refund for retirement instead of buying that big screen TV.
4. Must have a reasonable degree of independence.
As small children, we require assistance and constant nurturing. As we grow, we begin to explore the world around us. As we move through the various life stages, we gain the ability to make decisions alone and become independent. Mature relationships have a balance of respect for individual need and dependence. This is called interdependence. Interdependence in a healthy relationship allows one to feel that he or she wants to be with their mate but doesn’t need to be with them.
5. Must have satisfactory relationships with others.
Emotional health is demonstrated by your ability to relate to others and work in groups successfully. In a healthy relationship, you both will have friends outside of the relationship. Your world will not be solely dependent on someone else for your happiness. Emotional health can also be gauged by the need to always be right, feeling rejected when others don’t agree with you, and consistently negative, hostile, or inconsiderate responses to others.
6. Should be able to work productively.
Having a job is a great place to start. We all have issues at work from time to time. However, there are those people that cannot hold a job consistently, complain about their job, their supervisor, or the people they work with. Continual trouble completing work assignments or achieving goals can be the result of emotional conflict. Emotionally healthy people should be able to hold a steady job, help resolve work issues and demonstrate their ability to achieve goals.
One of the most effective tools I have found to help in your search for an extraordinary relationship is the use of the Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. While some of you will bristle at the thought of being so definitive and structured, these are great tools to help you step back from the infatuation and raging hormones of a “new” relationship. (Note: studies show that infatuation will last anywhere from a few months to 4 years.) It is important to not waste time in the wrong relationship for any reason.
One of my clients now wishes she had taken my advice 18 months ago to walk away from a less than great relationship. While he truly loves the woman, they have significant communication issues as well as some differences in core values. Now, she has health issues and he finds it difficult, if not impossible, to walk away in her time of need. This is not an opportune time to leave a relationship, but is there every really a good time? There will always be something, a life event, personal issues, the holidays, etc. to stand in your way of exiting a poor relationship. By not making the decision to leave, you default to the decision to stay.
It is quite common for women to want to work on a less-than-extraordinary relationship to make absolutely sure they did everything in their power to make it work. Men, on the other hand, are a little less willing to put in as much effort into a relationship in general. You need to decide how far you want to go to make a relationship work. My experience tells me that if all the elements are not there in the beginning, no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you change, no matter how much the other person tries to change, there will always be something missing. Can you develop that relationship to the pint that it would be a good one? Absolutely! The question I always ask is; Do you want to settle for a relationship that is just “good” or do you want a relationship that is extraordinary? If you want extraordinary there is no settling for less!