#206 - Good dates are a dime a dozen... or at least they can be
One of the biggest complaints I hear from both men and women is that all the good ones are taken. I’m here to tell you that that is absolute garbage!
My experience is just the opposite. There are plenty of great people to date, but it takes three things to make that happen, Time, Effort, and Courage.
Time
You can’t expect to get back into the world of dating and find all the great possible candidates to date on your first few times out. It takes time…time to develop new friendships, explore new places, and figure out what you really want and need in a relationship.
Don’t expect results overnight. Devote plenty of time to getting out and being seen.
When you first start dating again, it’s all new and exciting. Your expectations are high and all to often you’re disappointed. Why? Because you care…you want to be in a new relationship. You don’t want to be lonely.
This breeds a sense of desperation. Not only do you feel it inside, you give off that aura. People can sense it. You need to get to the point that you can be happy with or without someone. Again, this takes time.
When you don’t care, that’s when the pressure is off. When you’re hell bent on finding a date or a relationship, your desperation shines through.
It isn’t until you get to the point of not caring whether you have a date or a relationship that the opportunities will present themselves in a big way!
Effort
You need to get out and be seen. You can’t just sit at home. You have to take an active roll in your life. A relationship isn’t just going to fall into your lap…at least not for most of us.
We all tend to get in a rut over time. Expand your efforts to explore new places and new opportunities. Check out new bars, go to the museum or art galleries more often. Start showing up at places where your favorite music or favorite bands are playing.
Spend some time taking dance lessons, join a volleyball or softball league, or other activities where you can meet people with similar interests.
It doesn’t make any difference where you go. Learn to strike up a conversation with anyone. For example, I was standing in a buffet line for brunch after church one day and got behind a woman that was picking through one of the items on the buffet.
I jokingly made a comment about her holding up the line and she commented back and before you know it we were chatting and laughing our way through the line. We didn’t solve any of the worlds problems but we enjoyed a brief encounter together.
It’s creating these brief encounters that will make you stronger at connecting with people and ultimately developing some lasting relationships with others.
Courage
Yes, it can be tough, time consuming, and discouraging in the dating world. You will experience a lot of false starts as you date.
But, you have to have the courage to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Each time you get knocked down, you need to go through these steps again.
For many of you, courage is frightening. You don’t want to get hurt. You don’t want to look foolish.
When you start to get into the 45+ age group, a lot of the pretense starts to fall away. It actually becomes easier to talk to people.
For example, I went out to listen to a great band over the weekend. I only knew a couple of people at the bar and that was okay. It was relatively easy to strike up several conversations. I just had to make the decision to do it.
There were three women trying to take a selfie but were having some difficulty getting the task done. I offered to take it for them and they were thrilled that I offered. It turns out that these ladies were out celebrating one of their birthdays.
Just simply asking if I could be of service opened the door to some nice conversation. Try it some time.
At the same venue the band started to play a great slow song. There was a woman standing nearby, so I leaned over and asked if she’d like to dance. She said yes and we ended up dancing several dances that evening.
The point is that in each situation, I asked. I asked to be of service and I asked for a dance. These two situations lead to some great conversations. Did it lead to a date? No. But it did lead to a friendship that may last for a long time to come.
Stepping out in courage
I know that many of you struggle with mustering up the courage to ask someone out, to ask someone to dance, or to ask someone to go for a cup of coffee.
I have learned one amazing trick, and there’s some science to back it up. It’s the 5 Second Rule. There’s a whole book about this rule written by Mel Robbins. To summarize, you may decide you want to do something, in this case ask someone out.
In less than 5 seconds, your brain starts to figure out all the reasons that you’ll be turned down and you’ll be told no.
If this is someone you really would like to go out with, do the countdown 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Make the call or send the text! It’s that easy. Yes, you may get turned down, but you managed to keep the courage long enough to make the call! AND, you didn’t die!
And then there’s the flip-side. Imagine that the answer was yes. How great is that!?! It just reinforces the fact that you accomplished something that you were probably fearing or dreading on the inside.
It just takes one little step forward at a time to build courage.
To learn more about what to look for in a great relationship please check out my blog #220 – The 8 Key Elements of an Extraordinary Relationship.
You can also request a copy of The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them. It’s free just by asking!
I hope today’s topic is helpful. For more information like this check out my other blogs and videos right here at RickSoetebier.com.
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