#218 - Stop fighting for broken relationships

When do you fight for a relationship and when do you let it go?
If you fight for it, how long are you willing to work at it? I’m talking about pre-marital relationships today.

I believe that in a marital relationship, you need to do everything you can to make that relationship work. You made a commitment before God to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part. It isn’t until you’ve exhausted all your resources that you should consider leaving.

My focus, as a coach, is on dating and pre-marriage relationships and helping you focus on finding your soul mate.

Over and over I talk to women…mostly…that want to fix broken men. You can’t fix what you didn’t break!

“But, I love him!”

Do you really? Or, is it infatuation that has you under the delusion of being in love? This is an important question. Studies show that infatuation lasts for up to two years. It’s very possible that the “Love” you are feeling is merely infatuation and will wear off in a short period of time.

Maybe it’s that you can see so much potential in him. You love the man he could be. You love the fantasy that you’ve created in your mind.

Are you ignoring the red flags?
One of the hardest things I have to do is to help people pay attention to the red flags of bad relationships.

Nearly everyone I talk to will acknowledge the red flags they’re seeing. They just don’t recognize the fact that it’s time to leave!

Then I’ll ask; “Is this the type of relationship you want? Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life?”

The answer is ALWAYS “Well…no!”

It’s difficult to walk away…even from bad relationships.
Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Person after person after person that I coach will want to stay, or at least delay leaving a bad relationship.

Why? Here are just a few of the reasons I hear.

The timing isn’t right. We have this or that planned. The holidays are coming up. I promised to help with a project.

He’s making an effort to change. I want to see it through.

Or, I can’t walk away until I know I’ve made every effort to make it work.

The fact is, there’s never a good time to leave. Plans are going to be broken and feelings are going to be hurt.

What else causes you to stay?
In general, everyone wants to avoid pain. The reality is that the pain of leaving is always greater than the pain of staying. What most people don’t recognize is that the pain of leaving is only temporary while the pain of staying is permanent.

After the break-up, you start to question yourself.
This is another issue that’s extremely common. You’re lonely and miss the company even if it wasn’t great. There was someone there to talk to, to share time with.

You start to think; “It wasn’t that bad. He had some good qualities. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. It’s just who he is.”

This is the bargaining phase of grief. If you spend too much time in this phase you’ll convince yourself that it’s okay to go back. Let’s give it another try. I know we can make it work this time.

The reality is, the reasons you left the first time are still there. Nothing has changed. You can live with it for a while, but all the same problems are still there.

Then you struggle with having to break up again. Don’t make this a revolving door relationship. When you end it, end it permanently!

It’s so much easier said than done!
I know from experience! In my lifetime, I’ve left 4 specific relationships that have literally taken years to get over.

I’m sure most of you have experienced many of the same things. In the early stages of grief, everything is bleak, no one can compare, there’ll never be another like her/him to fill the void. You miss the connection, the conversations, the time together…even when it wasn’t all that great.

You think about him every day. A song, an event, a place, a smell, an activity can trigger a flood of memories…and tears.

As time passes, you may not think about her all day, every day anymore. But, all it takes is one thing, one little event, to trigger a flood of emotions and memories. Hopefully, the memories won’t linger for days, weeks, or even months.

Hopefully, this time it’ll pass a little more quickly.

The reality is, you developed a really deep connection with someone even if it was just in the infatuation stage.
The important thing to remember is that this is just one chapter in your life. It’s not the entire book. If you find yourself stuck deep in an emotional abyss and you’re unable to move forward, it could be time to seek help from a good counselor or therapist.

They can help you walk through your thoughts and emotions and help you detach from the emotional ties of your bad relationship.

Breaking the emotional ties to all past relationships is important in your ability to move forward and to be emotionally available for the right one when he or she comes along.

I hope today’s topic is helpful. Join me next week for Saying “No” can be hard to do, but well worth learning.

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