#233 - Do you feel obligated to say yes to a date you don't want?

A friend and I were talking recently when she shared that women sometimes feel obligated to have conversations or go on dates especially if they’re dating online.

Never feel obligated. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially someone you haven’t even met.

If you’re seeking a relationship, your dating should be intentional. Don’t just date anyone that asks you out. Make sure you have a reasonable degree of compatibility before you go out.

How do you know? You ask questions!

Recently I met a woman online. After a few text messages back and forth we decided it was time to talk on the phone. During our very first conversation we drifted into both politics and religion. This was because we were reviewing each other’s online dating profiles as we talked.

What could have been a dubious start to our conversation actually showed that we were closer on most things than we anticipated. Without a doubt, it was a spirited conversation. By the end, we recognized that we were able to communicate respectfully without trashing the other person for their beliefs.

We had a couple of dates, but in the end there were a couple of major differences in our beliefs that we recognized as deal breakers. We parted ways, each of us being better for the experience.

Either one of us could have tried to forge a relationship out of this because we had so much in common. We both chose to say no because one or both of us would eventually have to compromise our values to maintain this relationship. That’s just not worth it.

Most women are overwhelmed with messages when they first get online.
I rarely meet a woman that isn’t overwhelmed with messages for at least the first week she’s on a dating site. Everyone is interested in the new kid on the block.

Sadly, this attention is as likely to drive you away as being scammed if you’re not prepared for it.

What do you do? Are you supposed to answer everyone? You tell your friends “I can’t handle this!” And the next thing you know, you’ve shut down your profile and you hide it from everyone on the site. Then you decide it’s not worth all the hassle.

First, be prepared for the overwhelm. It’s more than likely going to happen. Last night I was talking to someone I met online and we were talking about the fact that she had just signed up on the Farmers Only sight at the suggestion of a friend.

She was overwhelmed with responses. She was fresh meat on this sight. We talked for about a half hour and during that time, she had no less than a dozen messages.

She is a woman with some slightly old-fashioned views that she needed to be polite and reply to all that messaged her. She was already finding out that that might not be the best course of action here.

She was using the wrong strategy.
When you decide to date online, choose your dating sites carefully. Take your time to think through your goals and objectives. For most people, using general interest sites like Match, OKCupid, OurTime, etc., are just fine.

If you have a specific interest, then it might be wise to look at sites that cater to your interests such as Christian or Jewish based sites. In the case of the woman on Farmers Only, it was a bad fit. She’s a city girl that has no intention of moving across the country to live on a farm or ranch.

She should not have listened to her friend’s suggestion to join that site.

It’s okay to say no.
You don’t have to answer every message you get on dating sites. The overwhelming number of messages will eventually decline. You don’t have to say yes to everyone that asks you out. Don’t feel obligated to go out with anyone you’re not feeling attracted to or connected to just because you’ve had a couple of conversations.

Don’t lie. Just be straight forward and explain that you just don’t feel a connection. You can be friends, but that’s about it. No more, no less.

You will occasionally get blow back. Some people will feel that they’re a great match for you and you just don’t see it yet. The don’t recognize that it has to be a two-way street. Just greet these texts or conversations with a smile knowing that you dodged a bullet. Be polite and wish them well.

I hope this information will help you step out of your comfort zone and help you be more proactive in your dating life.