#234 - Is sex getting in the way of a great relationship?

Seems like a dumb question, right? Having great sex IS part of a great relationship. But, it’s only a part of it. If your main focus is on sex, you’re missing out on the majority of your relationship.

Studies show that most couples are in bed by the 8th date. Less than 5% make it to their honeymoon before sleeping together.

Why is this important to know? It’s a clear indicator that people aren’t taking time to get to know each other before hopping into bed.

Biologically speaking, the brain shuts down the learning side (primarily in men) which keeps most people from getting to know their partner intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.

Is that why there’s such a high divorce rate?
I don’t have any empirical evidence that’ll back up my theory, but it has to at least be a contributing factor.

When you don’t take time to get to know your partner, you end up dating and in a relationship for many of the wrong reasons…primarily looks and sex. A physical connection is only one small part of the equation.

There needs to be an intellectual, an emotional and a spiritual connection also. These, along with the physical connection make up the Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships. For more information on the Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships, check out my four-part blog series starting with Blog #242 – The Four Cornerstones of Great Relationships – The Intellectual Connection.

Add to that your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists, sharing common interests and values, speaking similar love languages, and chemistry and you start get an idea that it takes a lot to have an extraordinary relationship.

Ladies, if you’re honest, it’s not just the men that want sex.
More and more I’m finding that women are just as likely to want sex early in the dating process as men.

I’ve heard many times that she isn’t going to get into a relationship much less get married until she knows that there’s going to be good sex.

When is the right time to sleep with someone you’re dating?
The Bible says that it’s to be saved for the covenant of marriage. Here’s why that makes sense. Research has shown that the brain stops developing a significant connection beyond that of the physical connection when you start sleeping together.

This means that you stop learning about and getting to know your partner on any sort of deep and meaningful level.

It means that the excitement you feel when you’re with your mate is only infatuation and raging hormones. When the infatuation wears off, you start to see that you really don’t know the person you’re sleeping with and you start to recognize all the annoying characteristics you said you didn’t want in your next relationship!

And speaking of hormones, it’s stuff like oxytocin and dopamine, among others, that makes sex feel so good. They’re also the culprits that can make it SO difficult when this relationship comes to a screeching halt.

When you have sex with your partner, your body releases oxytocin and dopamine and has an imprinting effect. It’s like taking the next drink for an alcoholic or getting the next fix for an addict. It makes the experience pleasurable and desirable and leaves you wanting more.

And just as the alcoholic and addict go through withdrawal, so do we when we break up with our mate. Our brains crave the oxytocin and dopamine.

So why did I go down this path with you?
It’s because having sex with someone is more than a simple physical act. It sets off a complex set of biological reactions in the body that can cause, or at least help facilitate, all kinds of problems later on.

This is part of the reason that breaking up is so hard!

Abstaining gives you the chance to get to know your mate and develop much deeper intellectual, spiritual, and emotional connections. It allows you to make sure that they’re the one you really want to spend the rest of your life with after the infatuation wears off.

You also eliminate the morning after regret that’s so often felt when you sleep with someone too soon.

Don’t let sex get in the way of getting to know your potential life partner. Statistically speaking, I know most of you watching this will be in bed with your next partner on or before the 8th date.

So, think about this. What if you waited a little longer to make sure this is someone that you’re actually compatible with before sleeping with them? What would it be like to wake up the next day without the regret of making a bad decision?

I hope you’ll use this information to help you make more informed dating and relationship decisions and to take a more proactive role in your dating life.