#245 - Why are you nurturing a relationship that's on life support?
Why are you sticking around so long?
You know this isn’t the right relationship for you. You know it’s not healthy for you, but yet you keep trying. You keep asking why would anyone treat somebody this poorly?
Well…I can’t answer that last question for you, but I might be able to shed some light on why you try to fix a relationship that’s on life support.
The hardest thing to accept is that it doesn’t matter why someone treats you poorly.
I think most of us would love to have that “exit interview” just to find out why. The reality is that there is nothing you can do to change what’s already happened.
It’s unlikely that your Ex could even answer the question even if you had the opportunity to ask. Most of the time they don’t know themselves why. If they do, odds are they aren’t going to give you a straight answer anyway. And, sometimes there just isn’t an answer.
You see, most people just react to whatever the situation is. They don’t step back and ask themselves why they react the way they do. Even if they did, they may not be able to figure out the why without some counseling or therapy.
Many times the way we act, treat people, or react to situations comes from childhood and how we were raised. If you want to read a great book about this subject, check out How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter how much you know about why someone treats you poorly. It won’t change the fact that you were mistreated.
What does matter is that you recognize the poor treatment and stop tolerating it. When you’re continually treated poorly, it’s time to leave.
Remember, you can’t fix someone or something that you didn’t break! It’s their responsibility to seek help and fix themselves.
There’s a biological reason that makes it so hard to leave.
For years I’ve said that in the beginning of a new relationship we’re all overcome by infatuation and raging hormones. The infatuation blinds us to the red flags of a poor relationship. I approached the raging hormones from a sexual desire point of view.
Recently I’ve discovered that there are additional hormones at work here. They create a connection to someone similar to that of an addict to their drug.
Elevated levels of dopamine and reduced levels of serotonin, along with oxytocin combine to develop a strong psychological connection to a potential mate. The longer you’re with someone, the stronger that connection becomes.
If you’re like most people, you’ve already experienced at least one traumatic breakup in your life. Part of the reason it was so traumatic is because of this biological connection we all develop when we’re in relationship with someone. It’s a natural human function.
The trauma of going cold turkey happens to all of us when we suffer the loss of a significant other whether it’s through death or breaking up. A loss is a loss and there has to be a corresponding grieving process.
Don’t get sucked into relationships that are bad for you.
It doesn’t make any difference why the relationship is bad. When it’s bad, it’s bad. This is why it’s SO important to have your Must Have and Deal Breaker list.
These lists will help you step back from the infatuation and raging hormones of a new relationship. They’ll help you identify red flags early so you don’t spend a lot of time and emotional energy on a relationship that will end up going nowhere.
I know a lot of you want to put in an extraordinary effort to make a relationship work. That’s very admirable…but, a waste of time. Unless your dealing with relatively small issues that can be easily solved you’ll be wasting a lot of time and emotional energy on the wrong person.
It doesn’t make either one of you wrong, bad, or one better than the other. It just means that you’re not right for each other. The less time you spend with the wrong person, the more time you have to find the right one.
Think about it from your partner’s point of view. If you’re not happy or satisfied now, what’s it going to be like five years from now? If you’re not happy with the relationship, you’re going to make them crazy…or at least very unhappy as well.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to part ways quickly and both of you be free to each find someone that would be a better fit?
Recognize that your search for love should be taken very seriously. Settling for “okay” shouldn’t be an option.
You should be seeking that one person that you can connect with intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You should be seeking someone that speaks similar love languages. You should be seeking someone that has common morals and values. You should be seeking someone that you share common interests with.
Studies show that the more things you have in common, the stronger your relationship will be. Yes, serendipity would be wonderful, but don’t fall into the trap of longing for a Hollywood or romance novel type of relationship.
You don’t have a script writer or novelist to write the perfect lines for you or your mate. This is real life and you should treat your search with the seriousness it deserves.
I sincerely hope you’ll think about what I’ve shared with you today and use this information to help you be more proactive and successful in your dating life.
Join me next week for “Navigating the holidays as a single.”