#249 - It's complicated

What exactly does that mean? I see this Facebook status and it always makes me wonder what kind of relationship they actually have.

Are they in love with someone that’s married? Are they in love with someone that’s abusive or controlling? Are they in a revolving door relationship?

Relationships shouldn’t be complicated.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t have problems. But, what it does mean is that you shouldn’t have so many problems that you struggle just to keep the relationship together.

It means that you should have more in common than just great sex! It means that everyday isn’t a struggle or a battle. Nobody wins in relationships that are “complicated.”

Waiting for the relationship to change.

There’s a saying, God will never lead you to someone else’s spouse.
There’s great wisdom in that saying. If you’re separated and waiting on your divorce to be final, it’s so tempting to want to get out and start looking…and dating. You’re ready to move on, or at least that’s what you tell yourself.

If you’re separated and haven’t filed for divorce yet, even worse. You have no business even thinking about dating. You’re married! You’re cheating on your spouse and it’s wrong on so many levels.

Does this sound harsh? I hope so. This is no way to start a new relationship. Show some maturity and restraint! Don’t start something you’re not legally and emotionally ready for.

Make sure you’re single and available before you actively put yourself out there in the dating world. Dating is difficult enough without having to worry if the person you’re talking to is still married.

If you find that you just can’t wait until your divorce is final, be honest and up front with your situation. I know loneliness plays a big part of getting out and dating before you’re divorced. However, that’s no excuse to lie about it.

You’re not going to win her heart by lying to her. It doesn’t make any difference how wonderful you are in every other aspect, starting a relationship based on a lie will never lead to a healthy relationship. If you’re willing to lie to win his or her affection, what else will you lie about?

Is it complicated because you’re in an abusive relationship?
The common depiction of abuse is black eyes and bruises. That happens, but, it’s important to know that domestic violence can take other forms like emotional or psychological, sexual, financial and/or spiritual abuse. It doesn’t make any difference how you’re being abused, it’s never okay.

These are some of the hardest relationships to break free from! Not only do you have emotions wrapped up in a toxic relationship, you may feel emotionally beaten down. Your self-esteem may be non-existent and you may feel that you have no other option but to stay.

You may also be significantly bound financially to the abuser especially if they are the sole provider in the household. If any of these sound familiar, you can seek local help by going online to domesticshelters.org. They can direct you to local shelters and helplines.

Are you in a revolving door relationship?
A revolving door relationship is one in which you break up, get back together, break up and get back together multiple times.

These relationships can be but aren’t necessarily abusive. These relationships more typically are just not ideal relationships. Your partner isn’t necessarily a bad person; they’re just the wrong one for you.

When you’ve dated someone for a while you’ll start to recognize the warning signs that this isn’t a great relationship and you both probably know it. You’re just not real eager to let it go. Then, one day, one of you makes the decision to leave.

You may be apart for week or even months and then something draws you back together. One of you has a weak moment. You give them a call or run into them somewhere. You start to talk and the next thing you know, you’re back together again.

Even though the reasons you left the first time haven’t changed, you’re back together trying to work things out. Part of the reason you’re back together is that you know them, you’re comfortable, you don’t have to start all over again by getting to know someone new.

But, pretty soon, you’re back to where you were the first time you broke up. It’s just not a great, much less extraordinary relationship. So, you leave and the cycle starts all over again.

One of the biggest problems with the revolving door relationship is that each time you break up, you have to start the grieving and healing process all over again. This can take a real emotional toll on you, not to mention your friends.

When you end it, make sure it stays ended. Very rarely can you make these relationships work long-term. You’re better off investing your emotional energy in finding your soul mate rather than settling for someone that is less than the best for you.

Be an adult
It doesn’t make any difference what makes a relationship complicated. A healthy relationship will never be complicated. It might be difficult because of various life issues; health problems, job loss, death of a family member, or any number of other issues that come up.

Don’t make life any harder than it has to be by getting into or staying in a relationship with someone that isn’t available whether that means legally, physically, or emotionally.

It’s so easy to get emotionally attached to someone whether it’s the right relationship or not. Don’t waste time somewhere you don’t belong. It may feel good for a while but eventually those feelings disappear. Walk away when you recognize it’s not a healthy relationship for you. Walk away before you invest too much emotional time and energy in the wrong person.

I sincerely hope you’ll think about what I’ve shared with you today and use this information to help you be more proactive and successful in your dating life.

Join me next week for “Starting over.”