#262 - It's not them, it's you!

Really, it’s not them, it’s you!
Almost everyone that I talk to has had a bad experience with dating. Some more than others.

What really frustrates me, as a coach, is that most people don’t want to take a look at themselves as the cause of most of their dating and relationship problems.

You have to take responsibility for your life. It’s up to you to make sure you’re doing the right things, working hard, and taking care of yourself.

When you say there are no good men (or women) left, that’s on you. You’ve chosen to look in the wrong places or look for the wrong characteristics in a mate.

It’s up to you to figure out why you keep dating losers, abusers, and cheaters. If that’s the type of person you consistently find yourself with, then it’s not them! It’s you.

I know this sounds harsh, but it’s true!
It’s time for a reality check. You are the common denominator in ALL your dating and relationship problems.

Maybe you’re attracted to the bad boy and then wonder why you ended up with a bad guy! Maybe you’re looking for someone to fix or rescue and then wonder why your relationship isn’t working when he or she doesn’t change.

When you stop trying to be the fixer or the white knight you’ll start getting better results.
You can’t fix your way into a great relationship. It’ll never happen. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s that you have to be whole, healthy, and complete before you start looking. And, you need to be looking for someone that is already whole, healthy, and complete.

A few days ago I was talking with a gentleman that had heard me speak a few weeks earlier about avoiding dating someone that is recently divorced or widowed. He found himself attracted to a woman that was fresh out of a divorce and he quickly realized he was getting back into a pattern that had repeated itself in two of his recently past relationships. He found himself trying to date a woman that was clearly not ready to date seriously.

Once he recognized the pattern, he quickly stopped dating her because she was clearly in a different mindset than he was. She is looking to step out and explore the dating world and he is looking for someone to settle down with.

You have to learn to be comfortable alone and happy with your own company. Until you get there, you’re not ready to date seriously. You’re looking for someone to fill a hole or gap in your life.

This is an important lesson to learn. If you’re struggling with dating or your relationships, order a copy of my book, Dating Backward to help you gain clarity about what you want and to help you avoid many of the toxic relationships you get into.

We all make mistakes.
That’s part of life. What shouldn’t be a part of your life is to continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

The definition of insanity is to repeatedly do the same things over and over and each time expect different results.

Unless you change, you’ll get the same results time and time again.

What do you need to change? Is it the type of person you think you want? Is it how you treat someone or how you expect them to treat you? Only you can determine what you need to do.

Reality can be a difficult thing to accept. We get so wrapped up in our own little world and in our own perspective that many times we fail to see the world from a different point of view. I know I’m guilty of this.

It takes a sincere effort to take an honest inward look.
Sometimes the best way to do this is to ask for help. Ask a couple of your closest friends or family that know you well to help you identify your potential blind spots. These are areas of your life that you think are just fine but to others, could be glaring weaknesses.

Make sure these are people that have nothing but the best of intentions for you. And don’t get upset with them if they willingly point out some of your personal flaws. Remember, you asked them to help.

If you’re not comfortable with that, seek professional counseling. Counselors and therapists are trained to see things that most others can’t see. Not only can they help you find your potential weaknesses, they can help you correct those issues.

Remember, this is all about being a better you.
It’s never fun or easy to hear the negative things that people share with you when you ask them for constructive corrective opinions or advice.

The only way you can get better at anything is to be able to take constructive criticism. When you’re open to learning, you can accelerate the learning process exponentially.

It takes courage, effort, determination and a willingness to look inward with an objective eye to be able to make better dating and relationship choices.

I hope you’ll think about what I’ve shared with you today and use this information to help you be more proactive and successful in your dating life.

Join me next week for “Dating is for emotionally healthy adults.”