#323 - Insecure singles hang on way too long!

There are certain things that are regular occurrences in dating. Not being absolutely clear about what you want, ignoring red flags, settling for less than extraordinary are just a few of them.

One of the biggest problems I see is hanging around too long in the wrong relationship. This is common among both men and women. They just handle it differently.

Women tend to keep nurturing the relationship in hopes that it will grow stronger. Men tend to just go along for the ride and try not to rock the boat. If there is a problem, she’ll have to bring it up.

Sometimes men just create problems in the relationship to get the woman to break up with them. This is the coward’s way out.

Hanging on too long is something we’ve all done. We’ve all invested time and emotional energy with the wrong people. It doesn’t necessarily make them (or you) a bad person.

It just means the relationship wasn’t right for one or both of you. There may not have been any glaring warning lights going off in your head. They may be an overall decent person.

There is just something missing. The missing piece may be not having everything on your Must Have list. Maybe there was only a lustful attraction and when the infatuation wares off the relationship fell flat. Or maybe you were good friends to begin with and decided to see if a relationship would work.

Whatever the reason, odds are you knew deep down this wasn’t the right relationship for you. This is where some of the insecurities may creep in.

You might say to yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Am I too picky?” It could also be “I see so much potential in her. I know if I just help her to see it, she’ll be the woman I want or need in my life.”

Are you afraid of giving up a bad investment? You’ve put in a lot of time with them. It’s comfortable. They’re usually there or at least available to talk. You don’t have to go out alone. Are You afraid of growing old alone? What if you can’t find anyone better?

Do any of these things ring true for you?
None of these are good reasons to stay in the wrong relationship. In fact, they’re bigger reasons to leave. Don’t let fear keep you stuck in place.

You can replace almost anything except time. When you hang on to the wrong relationship too long, you’re using up time that could be better spent searching for the right one. It could be spent on making you a more exceptional mate.

Most of you could have a date at least two or three times a week if you chose to. (It takes some effort but it can be done.)

When most people get back into the world of dating after a divorce or loss of a spouse, they think it’s going to be quick and easy. They go out, meet some new people and they’ll quickly and magically find the right one and only need to date less than a handful of people.

This is where reality starts to set in. Frustration and disappointment go hand in hand. When you do find someone that meets most of your criteria, you’re fairly likely to not want to let go, even though you know it’s not what you want long-term.

You’re willing to invest precious time trying to make the relationship fit your wants, needs, and desires. You go all in. In the end your disappointed and maybe even mad at yourself for wasting time.

We all deal with a lot of emotions when we date.
Make sure you keep those emotions in check so that you can think clearly. Your heart will keep you stuck in the wrong place. Only your mind can make rational decisions.

This is where you have to recognize that you’re not in high school or college anymore. You have to be an adult, make adult decisions, and be willing to have adult conversations. Don’t let your fears, insecurities, or shame keep you stuck.

The sooner you step up and say something when you feel the relationship isn’t right, the sooner you can make better choices. You never know, if you’re not feeling an extraordinary connection, your partner probably isn’t either. They may just be afraid to speak up too.

Resources if you need help.
Drop me a note at [email protected] if you have questions. Personal or group coaching can be a great way to help you through some of the tough situations. If you’re dealing with issues or problems that are beyond my scope of service, I’ll get you pointed in the right direction to find the right help for you.

My book, Dating Backward, is a great resource too. In it you’ll learn (or relearn) the basics of dating and the fundamentals of all great relationships. You can order it directly from my website, RickSoetebier.com or from Amazon.com.

I hope I’ve given you some ideas to make healthier dating and relationship decisions today. Have a great and blessed day.