#332 - Just because you're in love doesn't mean it's with the right one

We’ve all been in love. And we’ve all been in love with the wrong one. Odds are if you’re divorced you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Falling in love doesn’t mean you’ve made a good choice in partners. Love is a fickle emotion. It causes you to overlook some of the key differences between you.

Love can cause you to do things you wouldn’t normally do. It can cause you to make poor choices and bad decisions with the person you love.

Case in point
Last weekend I had a conversation with a woman that asked my advice about her boyfriend. They have been together for a few months and during this time he spoke at length about his Ex.

He wanted to meet up with his Ex and talk so he could get closure to their relationship. The Ex finally agreed to meet. When the woman asked her boyfriend how the meeting went, he said it went well.

The woman says her boyfriend has changed since the meeting with his Ex. He’s not as responsive and a little more distant. She asked if she should make herself less available in order to make him want her more.

The boyfriend may, in fact, be a wonderful guy and probably has some great qualities that make him very desirable to his girlfriend. That doesn’t negate any of the red flags that were presented to her.

Red Flag #1
Long conversations about his Ex should have been a warning that he wasn’t emotionally available.

It’s perfectly normal to talk about your Ex in an occasional conversation especially when you’re getting to know someone. Your new mate may want to know about past relationships and why they ended.

These conversations can be important to have to see if there are any unhealthy patterns in past relationships.

It is not a good sign when many of the conversations revolve around someone’s Ex. More than likely emotional healing hasn’t taken place yet.

Red Flag #2
The desire to meet with an Ex for closure. This is a noble gesture but a bad idea. Ultimately having an “exit interview” with your Ex rarely works out as you think it might.

During these conversations you’ll talk about the problems and some of the good times. As you talk, you’ll start to reignite emotions that brought you two together in the first place.

The next thing you know, you’re back together. It wasn’t your intention, it just happens. The problem is that the reasons you broke up in the first place haven’t changed.

Ultimately, you’ll break up again and you’ll have to start the healing process all over again. It’s not fun and not worth having to start all over again.

Red Flag #3
The meeting went well and he becomes distant. He’s even less emotionally available now. Even if he doesn’t get back together with his Ex, he’ll be emotionally closed down for a while. His emotional healing needs to start all over again.

Red Flag #4
Thinking that limiting your availability or playing hard to get will make him want you more is a common fallacy. This is playing high school games. How well did those games work for you back then?

Moral of the story.
When you start to see red flags, it’s time to leave. It’s not healthy to try to change someone or to try to trick them into wanting you.

If these are the things you do to try to build a relationship with someone, it’s time to take an inward look to see exactly why you want a relationship in the first place.

Make sure you’re emotionally healthy and looking for a healthy relationship. When you’re emotionally healthy, it’s much easier to spot the red flags of poor relationships.

Be picky. Be patient. Keep learning and becoming the most extraordinary person that you can be…it’s a never-ending process. And remember, while you’re looking for your special someone, they’re also looking for you.

If you get frustrated with dating, can’t pick a good date to save your life, or just struggle figuring out what you want in your next relationship, check out my book, Dating Backward: A practical guide to dating and finding your soul mate.

Until next week, have a great and blessed day.