#381 - You can hear but you don’t have to listen.
You can hear but you don’t have to listen! This is a simple truth about communication. How many times have you asked your kids to do something when they were young and it seemed as if your words went in one ear and out the other?
I remember this situation all too well with my daughter. Now I get to enjoy listening to my daughter tell me stories from time to time about the very same thing with her kids. LOL I call it selective listening.
These conditions still exist today in my world, just on a different level. I spend time with people, both professionally and personally, in conversations about their dating and relationship lives.
Some people are ready, willing, and able to listen to advice that’s in their best interest. Others, not so much. One of the big issues I find with my current adult conversations is that most people let emotions stand in the way of making good decisions.
I’m guessing most of you have had a conversation with someone married to an alcoholic (or maybe that’s you) that is unwilling to set “If/Then” boundaries. Example: If you continue to drink, then I’m leaving.
If the sober partner does set boundaries, more times than not, they don’t follow through. Yet they complain that they can’t get their partner to listen and to change their bad habit. They hear the words but aren’t listening. Why? There are two reasons. The first is that if there’s no follow through, there are no actual consequences to their bad behavior. When this happens, you’re actually teaching your partner that your boundaries aren’t serious. You’re training them how to treat you.
Second, your boundaries are all about you, not about them. You’re trying to get them to change to make you happy. It’s not a change they actually want to make. They’re usually comfortable with who they are and there’s no real incentive for them to change.
Change, and the desire to change, has to come from within. It doesn’t make any difference what needs to be changed, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, anger, violence, or even a lack of ambition. It has to come from an understanding of why they do what they do.
One way to discover the root cause of bad behavior is to start asking questions. What was the thought you had right before you took your first drink yesterday. What was the thought you had just before you lashed out at me during our fight last night.
This is usually the result of an emotional attachment to your partner. In spite of the bad behavior, you love them and don’t really want to leave. You tell yourself all kinds of stories to justify staying. Stories like, “I might not find anyone better.” “It’s not that bad.” “I don’t want to start over.” or even “The sex is really good.”
Studies show that, as adults, as much as 95% of our decisions are made by emotions and then later justified by logic.
So how do you start making your dating and relationship decisions based on logic rather than emotion? There is a simple way. It starts with creating your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. These lists will be your guide to not only finding the right person but also when it’s time to leave.
Use these lists to set your boundaries not only for who you’re willing to date but also for who you won’t.
Your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists MUST be non-negotiable! If it’s not, you’ll end up negotiating with yourself about what you think you can live with and what you can’t. You’ll end up settling for someone less than what you want. This doesn’t mean they are a bad person. It just means they aren’t a good fit for you.
Must Haves and Deal Breakers are your base line. That means if the person you’re thinking about dating doesn’t have ALL of your Must Haves or any of your Deal Breakers, they’re a no go.
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