#386 - Healthy relationships don’t develop out of negativity in life.
How Negativity Affects Relationships and How to Stop It
This past week as I’ve been scrolling through my Facebook feed I’m starting to less and less of what my friends are doing and more and more of what the world is doing. This is particularly true for the Reels that are recommended to me.
I’m not sure why the algorithm thinks I need to see videos ranging from young attractive women who claim they can’t get a date to angry men and women that extol the virtues of remaining single. They complain about how screwed up the opposite sex is and how society in general doesn’t need them.
If you’ve had bad experiences in dating and relationships, remember one thing…you’re the common denominator in all of them, good and bad. Dating and ultimately marriage is about using good judgement.
There’s a quote that says, “Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement.” If you’re not learning, if you keep experiencing the same problems over and over again, that’s not the fault of the people you’re dating, the fault lies directly on you!
Negativity in life surrounds us. Everywhere you look you can find something to complain or be upset about. Social media seems to stoke that fire. The online experience has evolved (or maybe a better word would be devolved) into a place where you can find whatever confirmation bias you’re looking for.
Confirmation bias is when we hold a belief and then look for information to affirm that belief. We’d all like to believe that we’re open minded enough to recognize the possibility that we could be wrong. But…we’re not. I know I certainly am subject to confirmation bias and you can recognize that by what YouTube recommends in my feed.
Negativity Bias in Dating: Why It Matters
As human beings, we naturally gravitate toward the negative in almost every situation. Psychologists refer to this as negativity bias, and it causes people to focus on one bad thing in a mountain of good things.
For example, think back to some of the arguments you’ve been in with a spouse or significant other. It’s likely that one or both of you have used an accusatory statement like “You always…” or “You never…”. You can fill in the blank with whatever the subject is.
If you’re honest about it, you know statements that start with “you always” or “you never” just aren’t accurate. At the time, it may seem like they’re true but when you look at it honestly, does your partner NEVER take out the garbage? Do they NEVER do anything around the house? Are they ALWAYS at work? Are they ALWAYS late?
Probably not! The point of all this is that we are much more likely to spot the negative aspects of life, even if we’re with our soul mate. It’s just our nature. It’s important to recognize our true nature and work at spotting the positive things in life and especially the positive things our significant other does. They should be much easier to find than the negative things.
Just think of the impact on a relationship you can have if you start looking for and recognizing the positive things your partner does. If you don’t believe me, think about the last time someone pointed out something they liked about you. How did that make you feel? You likely felt good about yourself and looked for ways to do more of the same.
If you’re carrying a lot of negativity into your dating life, KNOCK IT OFF! LOL What are the good things about dating that you like? Is it the excitement of meeting someone new? What about having really good conversations or just having someone new to hang out with. Even if most of your dates go nowhere, there’s always something positive to learn.
God's Timing in Finding Your Soulmate
When negativity really sets in deeply, it becomes very easy to just throw your hands up in the air and say, “I quit!” When that happens, it may seem that all hope for a great relationship is lost.
You should pause and ask yourself, “what else could this mean?” Is God working in the background on things we just don’t know about or understand? My answer is, more than likely, yes. The Bible shares several stories of what happens when you’re impatient. For example:
Abraham and Sarah grew impatient waiting on God’s promise of a son and created a work around.
The Israelites got tired of waiting for Moses to come down the mountain and created a golden calf causing God’s anger to fall on them.
How Positivity Can Transform Your Relationships
Is there a reason that you haven’t found your soul mate? It could be that you’re not relationship ready yet. It could be that your future partner isn’t relationship ready. I could be that God has work to do on both of you before he brings you together.
Or, it could be that you’ve been impatient and chose the wrong relationships causing some serious emotional pain that you’ve had to suffer. Regardless of the reasons for the delay, I believe that we all have a special relationship waiting for us.
Finally, here are some important things to remember. As a couple, you can achieve more together than you can alone. Your health will generally improve and you have someone to do things with and for which improves your longevity.
Food for thought.
Happy Dating.