#389 - Heartbrealk to Healing
Dealing with the Fear of Heartbreak
Are you afraid of dating again because you’ve been hurt in the past? If so, you’re not alone. Fear of heartache is one of the biggest reasons people shy away from dating after a divorce or the end of a relationship.
If you're like many midlife singles, whether divorced or widowed, the thought of opening your heart to someone new can be downright terrifying. The fear of being hurt again, of going through the pain of heartbreak, can feel overwhelming. But where does this fear come from?
For many, the source of heartache lies in two main areas:
- Poor choices in partners – We’ve all been there, caught up in the whirlwind of romance, only to realize later that the person we chose wasn’t right for us.
- Settling for less than we deserve – Often, we find ourselves compromising on the standards we set for ourselves. Maybe we ignored the "must-haves" or let a deal breaker slip through because we wanted companionship more than we wanted a healthy relationship.
This pattern of ignoring red flags and settling for less is what leads to heartbreak for so many people. That’s one of the reasons I co-authored my book, Dating Backward. I wanted to shift the focus from fixing broken relationships to preventing them from happening in the first place.
The truth is, many people don’t evaluate the dating process properly. Why? Because when we’re caught up in the infatuation phase, it’s easy to believe we’ve found "the one." We get blinded by emotion and ignore critical warning signs, only to wake up months or years later wondering what went wrong. According to research, infatuation can last up to two years, and during this time, we make emotionally driven decisions that often don’t serve us well in the long run.
The Role of Emotions in Decision-Making
Human nature drives us to make emotional decisions and justify them with logic later. A study revealed that as much as 95% of our decisions are made based on emotions, and dating is no exception. Think about the last big purchase you made, like a car or a house. Sure, you may have done some research, but it wasn’t until you sat in that car, smelled the new car smell, and felt the steering wheel in your hands that you knew this was the one. Your senses played into your emotions, and your emotions took control. Only afterward did you justify the purchase with practical reasons like fuel mileage, the number of people it seats, or extended warranties.
Dating works in much the same way. You meet someone who checks off some of your boxes…maybe they have a great sense of humor, they’re kind, and the chemistry is there. But, were they really the person you envisioned for yourself? Did they meet all your Must Haves? And what about the Deal Breakers? Did you overlook those because you were caught up in the moment, in the fun and excitement of companionship?
That’s the danger of infatuation. It blinds us to reality. It makes us overlook the warning signs, or worse, we ignore them entirely because we’re focused on how good the relationship feels in the moment. As infatuation fades, which it always does, we start to see the cracks in the relationship. We notice the red flags we missed or ignored, and that’s when the heartache begins. We either try to "fix" the relationship, bend over backward to accommodate the other person, or stay in a relationship that we know isn’t right for us.
Breaking the Cycle of Fear and Heartache
The Bible offers timeless wisdom for navigating relationships and overcoming fear. In 2 Timothy 1:7, we’re reminded that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Fear doesn’t come from God. It’s a product of our past experiences, but it doesn’t have to control our future. With God’s help, we can approach dating with wisdom and discernment, not fear.
Proverbs 4:23 encourages us to "guard our hearts above all else, for it determines the course of our lives." When we guard our hearts, we’re not closing ourselves off to love—we’re being wise about who we let in. We’re taking the time to evaluate whether someone truly meets the standards we’ve set for ourselves, whether they align with our values, and whether they treat us with the love and respect we deserve.
It’s also important to remember that no one is perfect. Colossians 3:13 reminds us to "bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone." Relationships require grace, but grace should never mean settling for less than God’s best for you.
Moving Forward with Confidence
So how do we move forward? How do we overcome the fear of heartache and step back into the dating world with confidence?
- Identify your Must Haves and Deal Breakers – Know what you’re looking for in a relationship before you even start dating. Don’t compromise on your core values or overlook red flags in the heat of the moment.
- Take things slow – Infatuation is powerful, but it doesn’t last. Give yourself time to truly get to know someone. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us, love is patient. True love doesn’t rush.
- Trust God’s timing – Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." God has a plan for your life, and His timing is perfect. Trust that He will lead you to the right person when the time is right.
Dating doesn’t have to be filled with fear and anxiety. By learning from past experiences, guarding your heart with wisdom, and trusting in God’s plan, you can open yourself up to the possibility of finding a truly extraordinary relationship.
If you want to learn even more about healthier dating, I have an on-demand master class, The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes and how to Avoid Them WITHOUT giving up dating. In about 45 minutes you learn the 5 biggest mistakes most people make and my 5 best tips on how to prevent or avoid them. Click here to reserve your seat.
Happy Dating