#394 - Rediscovering Your Identity While Dating Again

Sometimes, trying to figure out these dating apps is like going to the DMV. You’re swiping left, swiping right, and after two hours, you still don’t know if you’re in the right line—or if you even want to be there in the first place!

I remember as I stepped into the world of dating again after 25 years, I felt a little awkward. So, I decided to reach out to a couple of single people that I knew to kind of show me where singles hung out in our town. I felt like a complete outsider. This dating thing wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

Today, we’re talking about rediscovering you—who you are, what you love, and how to avoid feeling like a square peg trying to fit into the world of round dating apps.

Dating without knowing who you are is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. You’ll pick up things you don’t need, and later you’re staring at tofu, thinking, ‘Why did I think this was a good idea?’

When we spend a significant amount of time in a relationship, especially marriage, we make changes and adjustments to who we are in an effort to do what we think will please our partner. Over time, even the little adjustments we make compound and change who we really are or who we really want to be. That’s why you’ll so often hear people say they lost themselves in their relationship or they don’t know who they are anymore.

This is why it’s so important to take time after a divorce, death of a spouse, or even the end of a long-term relationship to start peeling back the layers to rediscover the real you. This is a great time to start asking yourself questions like; “What are my goals now?” “Are there things I used to do that I’d like to do again?” “Are there activities I’d like to try that I didn’t or couldn’t try before?”

Rediscovering yourself isn’t selfish—it’s the best way to attract someone who loves the real you, not the ‘pretend-to-like-golf’ version.

I’ve got a secret
Does anyone still remember that old TV show? Three people would come out and all claim to be the same person. Then, four celebrity panelists would question them and try to guess who was telling the truth. I used to really enjoy that program and a kid.

I learned something surprising about myself in a relationship several years after my divorce: I’ve got a trigger. It’s not traffic, it’s not waiting in line—it’s having a conversation through walls!

My Ex had a habit of starting a conversation or asking me questions when she was in another room. She would even try to continue a conversation as she walked from one room to another.

This was incredibly frustrating to me because I’d either have stop what I was doing and follow her to the next room or keep asking her what she said and try to figure it out through muffled walls.

Triggers are not something you want to keep secret. These are things that, as you discover them, you need to let future partners know about…not necessarily on the first date but as you get to know them.

How did I discover my trigger? My girlfriend and I were having a conversation. There was a lull in the conversation and I stepped out of the room for a minute. The next thing I know, I’m hearing her resume the conversation without me. I found my anger and frustration level rising quickly.

When I walked back in the room she could visibly see that I was upset. I paused the conversation to explain the epiphany I just had. She was very apologetic and I was relieved to be able to share my feelings and observations with someone that actually listened.

Practical Steps to Rediscover Yourself
Remember what you love: Think back to before your last relationship. What hobbies or interests made you happiest? And no, sitting in silence doesn’t count—though I know some of you were thinking it!

Try new things: Sign up for a painting class, take up hiking, or heck, try karaoke. Just don’t blame me if your rendition of Sweet Caroline clears the bar.

Write it down: Make a list of what you don’t want in a partner. These are your non-negotiable Deal Breakers. It’s like writing your grocery list—except instead of milk and eggs, you’re putting down ‘no pets, tattoos, or pornography. Make sure you’re very specific about the things YOU won’t accept in your next relationship.

Set your boundaries
Boundaries are like a fence with a locked gate. You’re in charge of who gets in—and if they’re hopping the fence, that’s not romantic, that’s a red flag. Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of your boundaries by telling you that you’re too strict or rigid in your Must Haves and Deal Breakers.

Your boundaries are your boundaries and no one else’s. If anyone tries to talk you out of them or weasel their way around them that should be a huge red flag. If someone asks to move in on date three, the answer is no. Always no.

Rediscovering yourself isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about remembering who you’ve always been. And maybe laughing a little along the way.”

So whether you’re painting birdhouses or finally learning how to cook something other than microwave meals, just remember—this is your time to shine. And who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone who checks off all of your Must Haves and none of your Deal Breakers.

In the meantime, Happy Dating!