#402 - When They Choose Someone Else: Your Complete Healing Guide
Getting the news that someone you've invested months or even years into has found "someone else" is devastating. If you're going through this right now, I want you to know something important: You're not alone, and yes, you will get through this. As someone who has both experienced this personally and coached countless men and women through similar situations, I'm going to share some proven strategies to help you not just survive this moment but emerge stronger.
But here’s the good news: this is not the end of your story. You have the power to move forward, to heal, and to set yourself up for an even better relationship in the future. Let’s walk through a few steps to help you navigate this difficult time.
Step 1: Protect Your Peace - The No Contact Rule
Before we dive into healing strategies, let's establish the most crucial immediate step: implementing a complete "no contact" rule. This means:
- Block their number.
- Remove them from all social media.
- Block them email if necessary.
- Delete or archive all photos and messages.
This isn't about being petty – it's about protecting your emotional well-being. Every time you check his social media or read old messages, you're reopening a wound that's trying to heal. Think of it like picking at a scab – it only prolongs the healing process.
Fighting the Urge to Reconnect
You're going to feel strong urges to check up on him or respond when he reaches out. Here's how to handle those moments:
- When you feel the urge to check his social media, call a friend instead.
- Create a "moment of pause" routine: take three deep breaths and ask yourself, "Will this help my healing?"
- Keep a journal nearby to write down what you wish you could say to him.
- Set up accountability with a friend who can talk you down during weak moments.
- Remember: every time you resist the urge, you're building emotional strength.
Step 2: Honor Your Feelings
Your emotions are valid. The hurt, anger, confusion, and even the moments where you question your worth – they're all normal responses. Here's a powerful exercise I recommend:
The Letter Release Process:
- Find a quiet space where you won't be interrupted.
- Write a completely uncensored letter to your ex.
- Pour everything into it – the good memories, the hurt, your anger, your questions.
- Fold it up and put it away for two weeks.
- After two weeks, read it again and add anything new you need to express.
Here’s the Release Process.
Find a place where you can safely burn the letter. As you watch it burn, consciously release these feelings to God to make room for new beginnings.
Step 3: Transform Pain into Growth
This is where we turn this challenging experience into an opportunity for growth. It's time to develop your two most powerful tools for future relationships; your Must Have and Deal Breaker lists. These two lists consist of the absolute non-negotiable traits and characteristics you want in your next relationship. These will form the standards by which you will let someone into your life.
Must-Have List Examples: (be specific)
- Core values alignment (e.g., shared views on family, faith, finances).
- Communication (shares wants, needs and desires, open discussions about feelings, can create a safe communication environment).
- Emotional availability (willing to be vulnerable, shares feelings freely).
- Shared life goals (aligned on marriage, children, career support).
- Mutual respect and trust (keeps commitments, honors boundaries).
- Financial responsibility (stable job, manages money well).
Deal-Breaker List Examples: (be specific)
- Dishonesty in any form.
- Emotionally unavailable or inability to communicate feelings.
- Drug or alcohol abuse, tobacco use.
- Disrespect of boundaries.
- Unwillingness to commit or define the relationship.
Red Flags We Often Ignore:
- Love bombing (excessive attention/gifts early on).
- Always busy during weekends or holidays.
- Never introduces you to friends or family.
- Keeps the relationship secret.
- Is still active on dating apps.
Step 4: Self-Care and Healing
Your self-care routine is crucial during this time. Here's a comprehensive approach:
Physical Self-Care:
- Maintain regular sleep patterns.
- Eat nutritious meals (avoid the ice cream binge cycle).
- Exercise at least 30 minutes daily.
Emotional Self-Care:
- Allow yourself to cry when needed.
- Practice daily meditation or prayer.
- Maintain a gratitude journal.
- Seek professional counseling if needed.
Social Self-Care:
- Schedule regular friend dates.
- Join new social groups or classes.
- Reconnect with old friends.
Step 5: Rebuild and Reinvest
Now is the perfect time to do some things for you like reconnect with friends you might have seen less during your relationship. Try that hobby you've been curious about. Make some time to focus on your physical health through exercise and proper nutrition. Invest in your personal growth through books, courses, or therapy. Finally, create new routines that don't revolve around your past relationship.
Moving Forward
Remember, healing isn't linear. You'll have good days and challenging days. While there's no universal timeline for when you'll be ready to date again, here are some signs you're moving in the right direction:
- You can think about the relationship without intense emotional pain.
- You're genuinely excited about meeting new people.
- You've learned from the experience and feel stronger.
- You're no longer angry or bitter.
- You've rediscovered your individual identity.
- You feel content being single.
Your Next Steps
If you're feeling overwhelmed or would like more personalized guidance, I offer a free 30-minute Discovery Call where we can:
- Dive deeper into your specific situation.
- Develop a customized healing plan.
- Explore whether ongoing coaching would benefit your journey.
- Provide additional tools and strategies.
Click this link to schedule your personal Discovery Call.
Remember: Someone else's choices don't define your worth. This ending is making space for a beginning that aligns with what you truly deserve.