#410 - The Dating Time Paradox: Why Rushing Is Actually Wasting Your Time
Have you ever found yourself three dates into a new relationship, feeling underwhelmed but thinking, "Well, I've already invested three weeks... and starting over sounds exhausting"? If so, you're not alone. After fifteen years of coaching singles over 50 through their dating journeys, I've discovered a profound truth worth sharing:
If you have time to waste on the wrong relationship, you most certainly have time to wait and search for the right relationship.
This paradox challenges our perception of time, especially as we navigate dating in our 50s, 60s, and beyond. Let's explore why rushing often leads to the very thing we're trying to avoid: wasted time.
The Time Illusion
At this stage of life, time feels different. There's often an underlying urgency—a sense that the clock is ticking louder with each passing year. This creates what I call the "Dating Time Paradox," where our fear of wasting time actually leads us to waste more of it.
Take Margaret, one of my clients. At 64 and widowed for two years, she came to me convinced she didn't have "the luxury of time" anymore. This mindset led her into an 18-month relationship with someone who didn't share her values, didn't respect her boundaries, and ultimately left her feeling more alone than when she was actually alone.
The research supports what I've seen in my practice: Couples who take time establishing a solid foundation before committing report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. Yet the majority of daters over 50 admit to staying in incompatible relationships out of fear of starting over.
The True Cost of Wrong Relationships
The price of rushing into or staying in the wrong relationship extends far beyond just time on the calendar. There's the emotional toll—the gradual erosion of confidence and self-trust that occurs when you try to convince yourself that "good enough" is actually good enough.
There's also the financial impact. At this stage of life, you've worked hard for your security, yet many people make poor financial decisions while in incompatible relationships. One client, Robert, almost delayed his retirement by five years because of his partner's influence on his financial choices.
Perhaps most significant is the opportunity cost. Every day spent with someone who doesn't truly complement your life is a day you could have been discovering new passions, strengthening relationships with friends and family, or meeting someone who actually deserves you.
And don't overlook the health implications. Studies consistently show that being in an unfulfilling relationship creates more stress than being single, potentially affecting your longevity through elevated stress hormones and decreased immune function.
Reframing "Waiting" as "Preparing"
The key to resolving this paradox lies in how we view the time between relationships. Instead of seeing it as "waiting"—a passive, often anxious state—we need to reframe it as "preparing"—an active, purposeful investment.
After her difficult 18-month relationship ended, Margaret didn't immediately jump back into dating. Instead, she spent six months in what I call "intentional preparation." She examined patterns from her 35-year marriage, built deeper connections with family, joined a hiking club, and discovered a passion for nature photography.
When she met Steven nine months later, she wasn't desperately filling a void. She was confidently sharing a full life—and immediately recognized how he complemented rather than complicated it.
Ask yourself: If you knew with absolute certainty that your perfect match would enter your life exactly one year from today, how would you spend that year? What would you learn? How would you grow? What would you clear away?
Now, what if you lived that way regardless of when they might appear?
Three Strategies for Transforming Your Approach
Here are three practical strategies that will help you resolve the Dating Time Paradox in your own life:
- The Three-Month Principle
Make a deliberate decision to evaluate any new relationship at the three-month mark—not with pressure, but with honest clarity. Ask yourself: "If nothing changes from how it is right now, would I want this same dynamic in my life a year from now?"
This principle isn't about creating artificial deadlines. It's about developing the habit of regular, honest assessment instead of drifting into commitment by default. - The Values-First Dating Framework
Before you even go on a date, articulate your non-negotiable values. Not preferences about height or hobbies—but core values like kindness, integrity, and respect. Then, design your first few dates specifically to reveal these values in action.
Robert, who nearly delayed his retirement, now uses this framework and says it's like "having a compass instead of just a map."
- The Full Life Technique
Build a life so complete and fulfilling that you only make room for exceptional partners. Join that pottery class. Plan that trip to Portugal. Have dinner with friends regularly. When you're not using relationships to fill a void, you develop a natural immunity to settling.
The Paradox Resolved
"If you have time to waste on the wrong relationship, you most certainly have time to wait and search for the right relationship."
This isn't just about patience—it's about purpose. It's about recognizing that at this stage of life, you have the wisdom to know what works for you and what doesn't.
Margaret and Steven just celebrated their third anniversary with a trip to the Grand Canyon. Robert is now happily retired and in a relationship with someone who respects his financial boundaries. These aren't fairy tales—these are real possibilities when you respect the paradox of time.
Remember: You haven't come this far to only come this far. Your best chapters may still be unwritten.
Ready to stop wasting time in the wrong relationships and start your journey toward finding the right one? I invite you to schedule a complimentary 30-minute Discovery Call with me. During this focused session, we'll discuss your specific dating challenges, identify what may be holding you back, and explore whether my coaching approach aligns with your needs. I've helped hundreds of singles over 50 transform their dating lives through practical, proven strategies tailored to this unique stage of life. No pressure, just an honest conversation about possibilities. CLICK HERE to find a time that works for you—your future self will thank you for taking this first step.
Rick Soetebier is an author and dating coach specializing in helping adults 50-70 navigate the unique challenges of dating after divorce or widowhood. His practical, compassionate approach has helped hundreds find meaningful connections in the second half of life.